Sunday, March 14, 2010


Today was our 2nd wedding anniversary. It was a beautiful day with the two loves of my life. My husband and my son. The memories will forever hold a spot in my heart....

I love my life.

Monday, March 8, 2010

a little bit of everything

It's been a week since I have changed my eating habits and started a new exercise regime. So far, so good. That addicted feeling I once had has returned again and I go to bed excited to wake up early the next morning to work out. It also helps that I have dropped 2.5 lbs in 7 days. On my way to those shorts that just didn't fit anymore.

It's amazing to me what you see in people when you take a step back and look at them from a different perspective. Whether it be someone you have known for a long time, short time, don't really know at all or someone who is a family member. I am a people watcher. I love to observe actions, tone of voice, body language and everything else that goes along with our everyday conversations. Most of the time when watching ones actions or listening to what they have to say, it reminds me of truly how blessed I am.

That old saying that our parents and teachers always repeated, "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all" comes to mind when I'm thinking of watching people. So many of us say and do things that we really don't mean in hopes that we can overpower the other person or be in control. I've really learned over the last 10 years to not take things to heart when coming from mindless people. I really don't take many things to heart anymore, unless they are coming from within myself.  I suppose people only talk bad about others or talk down to them in hopes that they will feel better about themselves, when really, they are the ones with the problem.

I'm continuing on my journey of ridding the negative from my life and moving on with only the good, positive thinking people. In doing this, it has been empowering. It becomes clearer and clearer each day who my true friends and family are. Those that love me unconditionally and would never speak (or type) a word to intentionally hurt me or belittle me.

With that said, I love my life and the journey that I am on.

Friday, March 5, 2010


In December of 2006 I had my oral board with the sheriff's office for the job I was trying to attain. It was nothing new to me, I had been to several other police officer oral boards and knew exactly what to expect. During that 30 minute interview I was asked a question that at that time I didn't realize would stick with me forever. The question was, "What does the word integrity mean to you?"

I felt that I had done pretty well in my oral board up until this point and when that question was asked, I froze."Integrity? What the heck does that mean? Crap. Bullshit your way through this one Rene" were all thoughts that were racing through my mind. I couldn't tell you today what it was I answered with but apparently it was good enough to hire me. Two long months later I started the very difficult dispatcher training program where I was constantly reminded of what the word meant.

Over the last couple of years I have come to find myself reciting that word and thinking over in my head exactly what it means to me. It has become part of my daily routine. The dictionary defines the word as follows:

in-teg-ri-ty (n) - Adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

I would have to say that my definition of the word is pretty much the same. I see it as being your self worth and knowing that at the end of the day you can sleep in peace without feeling guilt. I see today in society that very few people actually have any integrity at all. I can admit that there have been nights I was uneasy and didn't sleep because of something I said or did on the preceding day; but I always find my way back to my foundation that is built on morals and ethics.

Where do we learn to act with utmost integrity? Is it from our parents? Our school teachers? Peers? Is what we see on TV causing us to make the wrong decisions or are we making them within ourselves?  It is something that is self taught and has to be worked on inside yourself. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. I am a strong believer that when mistakes are made, we learn from them and move on.  It is sad to me when I see people choosing a path of mistakes without thinking of the consequences that may follow. Do they have integrity? What does that say about their character when they clearly know what the outcome may be yet they still walk, or even run down that path.

What would our communities, country or even world be like if every single person had integrity? Would there be no crime? It's obvious that criminals don't have integrity or they wouldn't rob that man on the corner waiting for the light to change, or hold someone at gunpoint until given their belongings. Women and men alike wouldn't be raped or killed and children wouldn't be kidnapped. Drug dealers wouldn't solely base their income on creating or growing illegal drugs and that man in the military wouldn't constantly get away with one affair after another.

I know people who have integrity and I know some that don't. Unfortunately some of those people are close to me and I watch as they make mistakes, biting my tongue because I too have been in their shoes and chosen the wrong path. I can't tell them what they are doing wrong because that would make me a hypocrite, but I can voice my opinions in hopes that they will hear me. I can talk about self worth and what it means to me and my family. We have all made bad decisions in life and most of us learn from them.

Integrity has often been described as who you are when no one is watching. Thinking that you won't ever get caught and that it's "ok" to continue with those activities. In my generation I have been introduced to many who believe in that and I too am personally working with my own demons. I believe that being aware of the situation is the first step to getting your self worth back. I hope and pray that someday I can proudly say that I am completely and 100% surrounded by friends and family with the utmost integrity.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

fine dining with 5th graders

Being a stay at home parent I try to volunteer in Joey's classroom as much as possible. I have had to work in the past and was never able to be a part of his weekly activities or be "in the know" with the students and teachers. I have had quite a few fun experiences while helping with lessons in the class or tagging along for different functions the school was holding. I always seem to run into the same problem though.

I am young, yes, but I know that I am not the only young mom out there. It's as though the minute I walk in to a function with a smile on my face I can feel the glares and see the snickering between one another. I'm always friendly and polite when first arriving. Today, I had that same experience that I've become all too familiar with.

I wasn't sure what exactly I had volunteered for but I knew that whatever it was, I was going to try my best to "fit in" and possibly meet some other moms. All the while, spending time with my son during his lunch break. The teacher had emailed me yesterday with what time to show up and advised that when I got there to go straight to the cafeteria and the class would meet me there.  I got dressed up in a nice skirt and cute fitted tee (since Joey told me I had to "dress up") and headed to the school. As I was walking down the hallway with a smile I was starting to feel like I was late or that I didn't fit in. Everyone knew each other and were huddled in little groups, they were all wearing matching chef's hats and had clearly known each other for a while.  There was an older man and a woman standing at the entrance to the cafeteria who I approached and told them why I was there and asked them what I could be doing to help. They told me to just go inside and wait for the class to arrive.  Inside I was surrounded by once again several moms who clearly knew each other and as I walked by with a smile, they just kind of gave me that "look". I don't know what to call that look, but it's the one of "as soon as she walks by we are going to say something about her behind her back".

I found Joey's class table and decided I would wait there. Hopefully staying out of everyone's way and asking if I could help if someone made them self approachable. I had set my purse down close by on a step, I saw other purses so I figured that is where everyone else was putting their purse. I put mine out of the way, not next to anyone else's. It wasn't but a minute later and a group of mom's walked by and sat down on the steps knocking over my purse and not even attempting to pick it up. They just sat there around my purse as if it didn't even exist. I thought to myself for a moment  and just politely walked over, picked up my purse and set it down a few feet from them. Of course I did this all with a smile and the thoughts of "oh I'm sorry, am I in your way?" in my head.

Decided not to let that wipe the smile off of my face and walked back to the table. I was standing about a foot away from it in a 5 ft wide walk way. Not moving. Just standing still. WHAM! This lady bumps into me from behind and knocks me forward a bit, I turned my head (with a smile yes) and she just looked at me like "get out of the way" and kept walking. Really? Am I that invisible?

I could not wait until the class came in. At least then I'd have Joey's teacher to chat with and talk to and I already know the kids like me. The tables were all decorated as if it was a fancy restaurant and the man that I first spoke to was the host that was seating them all. Luckily I got to sit at Joey's table, right next to him. I wasn't sure that he was thrilled about it but I was. I had no idea that I was going to be served lunch and wasn't able to participate really, because of my calorie counting. Eating 2 chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes and a brownie washed down with chocolate milk wasn't exactly on my daily menu.

It was really interesting to sit and watch a table full of 10 fifth graders communicate with one another. It completely got my mind off of the other moms and I realized why I was there in the first place. It wasn't for me to make new friends or try to fit in with the other parents, it was for me to help out with Joey's class and be a part of his day. I did get to visit with his teacher some more and can't wait until we can actually "be friends" and hang out when the school year is over.  The conversations between the girls and the boys were priceless and it brought back so many memories of being that age.

I've decided from here on out when I volunteer for something I'm not going to let the looks and snickering of the other moms get to me.  I'm there for Joey. Not for me.  If the other moms don't want to be friendly to me, then it's their loss, not mine.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Calorie Counting

I have never been one to diet. Ever. I never needed to. Forgive me if you think I am bragging, but I have always had a fast metabolism and could eat whatever I wanted to without having to work out. I have always been an active person, whether it be going to the gym, rollerblading or extreme sports and have found that as I'm getting older the bragging rights to the previous statement are diminishing. I am not overweight and my husband thinks that I look good but when I look in the mirror at myself I am not satisfied. It's the "type A personality" coming out in me.

My clothes still fit and I only wear one size bigger than I wore in highschool (which was 12 years ago). Since them, I have had a child, gone through a divorce, moved from Va to Ca and Ca to Az, gotten married, went through extensive training for dispatch, all while maintaining a pretty healthy figure. Numbers shouldn't matter to me, but they do. I know what weight I am at when I feel my best and I know what the scale has been telling me every day for the last two weeks. I'm sure that a week of going out on nightly dates with Paul is where those extra 3 pounds came from.

My goal isn't to be "skinny" but to be able to look in the mirror and think, "damn, I'm hot!" I want a certain pair of Guess jean shorts to fit again and I want to be able to fit into my wedding dress. It will be two years on March 14 since I've worn it and it fit me perfectly.

Is it because I turned 30 or is that all in my head. I can swear I've seen a difference in my body over the past few months and can't help but blame it on getting older. Is it the BC pill I've been taking for 5 years? What is it that has caused my metabolism to slow down? Thinking about all of these reasons is what got me thinking I wanted to start keeping track of what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising and actually use a calorie budget. There is a great app for my iPhone that I have downloaded and am using called Lose It. I recorded my current weight (which is 130) and my goal weight (which is 120-123). Once recorded, it allows me to choose how many pounds I want to lose a week and over what period of time I want to lose it in. Based on me choosing a pound and a half a week the application has projected that with a calorie budget of 1176 a day, I will lose all of that weight by April 5, 2010.

Ready. Set. Go.

I am on day 3 and feel amazing. I have been getting up and working out at 6 am instead of putting it off until mid morning. I have had more energy and am happier. Counting calories has made me more aware of portion sizes and makes me double think getting a frappacino just so that I can have a little scoop of ice cream instead. Paul, Joey & I have also started walking after dinner again. It's great exercise and awesome couple/family time.  It allows me to talk to Paul without the interruptions of phone calls, text messages, twitter, homework, and whatever else goes on while we are at home, all while burning calories!

Time to go swimsuit shopping...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


I like bleu cheese. Only in small amounts though and only on top of steak, a burger or my salad. Ok, now I'm hungry.

Both of my dad's parents died from smoking when I was younger. I hate smoking. I dislike the smell of cigarette smoke and I think it's a disgusting habit. I would be lying if I said I have never tried it though. Younger years.

Proud member of the NRA and I own more than one gun...

If I had to think of just one Kool-Aid flavor that is my favorite it'd have to be black cherry. Haven't had Kool-Aid in years.

I don't generally get nervous before doctor appointments. They don't bother me. I dislike those lovely yearly "female" appointments but it's nothing that makes me nervous.

Regarding hotdogs... Nathan's are the best. Every once in a while (mostly in the summer) I do crave a good wiener, bbq'd.

I drink Coffee. Every morning. I don't care how it comes as long as it's good coffee.

I can do pushups and I do them daily. Pull-ups however....

My favorite piece of jewelry is my rock that I wear on my left hand ring finger.

My favorite hobby is riding my dirtbike. I think that's my favorite. At least for now it is.

I have a little bit of that diagnosis called "OCD".

I am blind without my contacts/glasses.

3 thoughts I have right now :

1. Is anyone even reading this?

2. Today is my husband's 33rd birthday

3.  I am really, really, really hungry.

Unfortunately I worry about a few things. Some of those that I don't wish to discuss. I guess right now, in this minute, I'm worried about my husband. He's not having the greatest day at work and it's his birthday. I feel badly that they treat him so badly there and I hope and pray every day that one of these new jobs he's applying for works out for the better for us.

I believe that hate is a strong word and it's overly used. When I say "I hate RC", I say it with passion and I absolutely 100% mean it.

I would like to go to Hawaii and live there again. Forever.

I own two pairs of slippers. One brown pair and one leopard print pair.

I love sleeping on satin sheets. ....but would rather not "sleep" on them

I can whistle and sometimes I do it subconsciously

If I could just jump into any career right now, I would be a Criminal Psychologist

I never stop believing. (or singing the song.... it's always the song in my head)

Paul makes me laugh. Often.  He's goofy like that

I drive a GMC Yukon and she's my baby with wheels.

The worst injury I have ever gotten would have to be the concussion I got a year ago from taking a header off of my dirtbike. Yeah, as Paul says "If you don't crash, you aren't going fast enough".... apparently I was going fast enough.

I love the beach.