Loving the remake of "Bad Company" by 5 Finger Death Punch

When the doorbell rang I had a rush of excitement overwhelm me. When I opened the door and saw them all standing there, I couldn't help but smile. My Grandmother, Grandfather, Aunt and Uncle all came to visit for the day. They are vacationing in Sedona, AZ which is only about 2 1/2 hours away. When they arrived I felt so complete. I had the most wonderful day with them. We went to lunch at Jason's Deli and then I gave them a little tour of our "stompin grounds" here in the desert. They really enjoyed it, I think. When Joey got home from school, he showed them his musical talents. He played a few songs on his bell kit, his recorder and then even did his HipHop dance for them. He was just as excited to see them as I was.

We spent the afternoon playing a game called "TopsUp" and it was really fun! It's exactly how I remember time with my family. Such good qualities, humor, togetherness and love. When Paul got home from work we visited some more and then decided instead of cooking to have Pizza. My Grandpa and I went to pick it up and then we added a bit of a green salad and fruit salad to the menu. It was perfect. I couldn't have asked for anything more. (of course we were watching MNF as well....)

I believe it was about 8pm when they decided it was probably best that they head back north. We were all comfy on the couch and I didn't want to get up. I knew it was going to be hard. We had been so busy all day and had been visiting so much we didn't even taken any pictures! Me! The picture person didn't even taken any!!! As soon as goodbyes were said and they drove away, it hit me. As soon as I walked in the front door I broke down. I miss them already. I love them so much. It made me also miss my mom and dad and brother. And....of course I started thinking about Friday. Dreaded Friday of this week.

The week of Joey leaving is always really hard for me. I don't know if it's the anticipation of the coming weeks, or the fact that I just really really really don't want my son to go!! He gets really clingy and snuggly around the time that he leaves too. I feel so bad for him. I know he wants to stay but he's afraid to say anything to his dad. Oh well....I'm sure someday he will open up a little more. I'm so thankful for the love he has shown me and taught me. Being a parent is truly the most rewarding job/blessing there is.

Read this today in an email, I really liked what it said... Not sure who said it but... "Be Yourself. Everyone else is taken." I'll end with that....

I've been away.

From the computer that is. Spending more time outside and doing things I love! I'm feeling refreshed and renewed. I'm counting down the days until I get on the airplane and fly to my most favorite place in the United States. Hawaii. I can't wait. Going to see my friend April, who knows the real me, and get to spend a whole week with her and her boys. I just want to lay on the beach, with a book, or a favorite magazine and relax. The crashing waves do something inside of me that I can not explain. I love the ocean and someday I will live near it again.

While I'm trying to stay excited about my upcoming trip, I can't help but feel sadness about a couple of things. For one, Joey leaves next week to go spend 2 weeks with his dad. I usually do ok on the 2 week break, especially since I'll be in Hawaii, but....the worst part is, his dad is coming here. To Arizona. To Pick him up. Not good. I can't stand him and even hearing his voice on the phone makes my skin crawl, how am I supposed actually see him face to face??? Ugh, I'll be strong and be doing it for my son.

The job hunt is still on....I've applied with a couple different places and I'm really in no hurry. Still just searching for something that sparks my interest but I have completely decided, 100% that I am not going back to the Pd...not right now anyways.

14 days.....

Like a bandaid.

You know, when it's there, it makes you feel better. Maybe not physically, but it's all in your mind. The presence of it just gives a calming affect. When you know it's time for it to come off....you contemplate, is now the right time? Do I take it off slowly? Or really fast so I won't feel the pain as much? Fast. Always best to do fast. If you take it slow then you'll only end up hurting more... Kind of like friends. You keep them around because it feels comfortable. After a while, when you realize the friendship isn't really true, you start to think about "taking the bandaid off". With me, I may be a hard one to please. There is no gray area....it's all or nothing. Either you are in or you are out. There is no middle ground....

It hurts, yes. But....I know that it's better. For the best and most of all the RIGHT thing.

I break in two over you....

The best playlist ever.... thought I'd share.

1. "Beautiful" by 10 years
2. "Autumns Monologue" by From Autumn to Ashes
3. "I'm not gonna teach your Boyfriend how to dance" by Black Kids
4. "Johnny & June" by Heidi Newfield
5. "Love Remains the Same" by Gavin Rossdale
6. "Lets get Physical" by The Black Ghosts
7. "Living Room" by Tegan & Sara
8. "Cheater, Cheater" by Joey & Rory
9. "Dirty Dancing" by New Kids on The Block
10. "Go Easy" by The Laws
11. "Dirty Girl" by Atmosphere
12. "Please Do Not Let Me Go" by Ryan Adams
13. "Bad Things" by Jace Everett
14. "Always in your Mind" by Jennifer O'Connor
15. "Right Love, Wrong Time" by Anuhea
16. "Save Me" by All But Screaming
17. "You Belong to Me" by Steve Earle
18. "Do you Wish it was Me" by Jason Aldean
19. "Juice Box" by Gorilla Zoe

Angels.

Everyone has their demons. Everyone has their Angels. We may not always know who or what they are but they are with us, always. I have spent the last 5 years trying to find myself, figure out what makes me tick. Why? I'm not sure. Most people go through the days not even caring. I do. I always have. What makes us who we are? Is the experiences that we go through? The choices we make? Everything we do in life is driven by something. Desire. Emotions. Weakness. Feelings. Anger. We have to take our actions seriously and know that EVERYTHING has a consequence.

I don't know if I will ever find out what makes me do the things that I do, or makes me feel the way I feel. I don't even know if I want to know... I want to just keep living my life doing things that make me smile. We only get one life and I don't want to mess it up. Why should I deprive myself of the things that drive me to be a better person? I know who my angel is... and better yet, I know how to talk to him.

Funk.

I've been in a bit of a funk this week. Well, I take that back. WAS in a bit of a funk earlier this week. Yesterday was refreshing... maybe not to some, but it was to me. I needed it.