Friday, February 26, 2010

His birthday

My husband's 33rd birthday is on Tuesday. No, I have not bought him a card yet. It's not like me to wait until the last minute, but I am forcing myself to do so this year. I will go shopping today I'm sure.

Every year since 2006 I have planned something for his birthday, whether it be some big surprise present or a surprise dinner with friends. Every year. Not this year. I am refusing to plan something because just as he told me on my birthday, "It's just another day".

I'm not one who is normally vindictive, but in this case I guess you could say I am. Eye for an eye. Childish, yes. Standing my ground, being stubborn and making sure someone understands my pain is the path I'm choosing for this particular situation.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

tattoos, teachers & a Guinness

Let me just start by saying it's a good thing I didn't write yesterday, or the day before, or even the day before that. Would have had major word vomit and probably regretted writing everything I did. The days that went by and the things that happened were all too familiar yet at the same time very confusing.

While Joey was with his dad, Paul and I decided to try out a different place each night while he was gone so that when do actually get a "date night" we would know where we wanted to go. I don't think we were disappointed at all in any of our choices and liked one of them so much we went back for a second dose. That second dose proved to be a very fun night.

Teachers have lives too. I have friends that are teachers, but, they are not my son's teacher. It's a job, their job and that is what they went to school and chose to be. All of these thoughts are going through my head as I am trying to figure out if there is some unspoken rule about fraternizing with your child's teacher.

I've always like Joey's teacher, ever since we first went to met her last July. She's young, strict, great with the kids and she has one of my favorite reptiles in her classroom. Her little sister is even going to babysit for us in the near future. I have talked to her a few times when working in the class but always as "my child's teacher". While we were out having drinks for happy hour on Friday night, I heard a familiar voice meeting up with the guy sitting next to me. I turned around and it was Joey's teacher! Long story short (I'm leaving out all of the OTHER details for now) we hung out all night and had a blast. Talked, got to know one another and it left me going home with a smile. She even got me to drink a Guinness with her. That's a big deal since last year I stopped drinking beer as part of my diet...

Saturday night we went to a bar/restaurant that we hadn't ever been to and it wasn't even close by our house. Different part of town, and we thought we'd check it out.  We walked in and made our way to the pool tables only to find Joey's teacher once again. It was a bit awkward but also exciting. Are we supposed to be hanging out or something? Was it just a totally random coincidence or is someone trying to tell me something.

Among the random run-ins with Joey's teacher, I finally got my tattoo on my wrist touched up and added to, got a free coffee at Starbucks for just being nice to the guy, had amazing sushi with our friend Ryan, met another couple that we hit it off with and even exchanged phone numbers with, laughed about the stupid silly stories that RC told us and were happy to have Joey back in our care. Was a good weekend despite the scum that was staying just a few miles away.

This post was a little all over the place, but which post isn't? That's how I'm thinking lately. My mind goes 100 miles a minute and just getting it out helps me to sort it out later. There is so much more that I want to elaborate on but I just can't. Not sure if it's right or even my place. Maybe as the week goes on I'll word vomit a bit.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The sun is calling my name

I'm sitting here today at my desk trying to relax. I have had a roller coaster of a week and I'm trying to find my happy place. Paul is at work, Joey is at school, the cats are sleeping and I've just finished my daily coffee.  My house is cleaned and the laundry is done so today is my day. I am certain that after I write I'm going to go sit in my backyard, in the sun, next to the pool with the latest book I'm reading.

Last weekend was good. We ended up going to Yuma for a relaxing visit with our friends. We rode our dirtbikes for most of the day on Saturday and then enjoyed a delicious sushi dinner at Ah So that night. Sunday morning we got up and went to coffee, grabbed some breakfast burritos and went to a beautiful park that was nestled right up against the Colorado River. Very nice relaxing day that reminded me of my childhood. Growing up, my family often went to a park and played in the warm sun.

Joey didn't have school on Monday and he treated me to a movie date. Originally we were going to see "The Tooth Fairy" (not my choice) but it was sold out. (Thank goodness!) I really wanted to see the movie "Valentine's Day" so he decided that we could watch that one. I believe he regretted that decision later. He said he really didn't like it because it was too mushy. I, on the other hand, loved it. It had a great meaning and not to mention a great cast of actors.

Tuesday.  My least favorite day of this week. I've known for a while now that RC would be coming here to visit with Joey. He's going to be going to Afghanistan in March and said he wanted to see Joey before he goes. I really didn't want Joey missing school so I told him that he would have to come here if he wanted to see him and that Joey would still have to go to school while he is here. When he showed up at the house Joey was very excited to get to see him. He was ready to get out the door and I believe that it's because he didn't really want his dad and I in the same room for very long. He doesn't quite understand that we won't fight in front of him anymore. Yes, we fight on the phone but Joey doesn't know that. I can bite my tongue and be cordial with him, to an extent.

He makes my skin crawl. Not in a good way either. The things he put me through during our marriage were horrible and I will probably never forget them. I am so fortunate to have found a man now that would never even dream of doing the things that RC did. He is remarried and I feel so sorry for his new wife. She probably doesn't even really know who he is, yet and I hope that someday she learns. I wonder if she knows that he is  here and not wearing his wedding ring? Really, some people never change.

It's been really difficult for me to step aside and let someone else take over my responsibilities. Normally when Joey sees his dad he flies to wherever his dad is living and stays for about 2 weeks. This time, since his dad is here, he is the one taking Joey to school and picking him up. I wonder if he makes sure he brushes his teeth and puts his deodorant on before school? Did he make sure Joey has a snack? A good breakfast? It would be easy for me to trust Paul with those morning tasks, but RC? Again, biting my tongue.

The last two nights Paul and I have gone out to a new restaurant/bar. It's been a very fun experience and we've had a lot of good laughs and conversations. It was some much needed couple time and I can't wait to have a little more over the next few nights! It is very therapeutic.

It's almost noon and I can hear the ducks on the lake in the backyard. I think that's my sign to go outside and relax, enjoy the sun on my face and think of all the good things to come. I love springtime weather in Arizona.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Yes, I love guns

Every Thursday night we go to the range that we are members at so that Joey can shoot. We registered him in a Marksmanship program put on through both the NRA and the range. We just started going three weeks ago and already he really likes it. He's learning different positions to shoot in, getting great target practice and he will even be learning to clean the gun when he's finished. Its a great way to build discipline and gun safety in our home. Last night he received his first award for "Pro Marksman" and I am so proud of him! I think that it is just the beginning and he's going to go far with his shooting someday. He'll be able to be a part of this program until he's an adult. Not only will he gain skill but also responsibility and patience.

I really don't know what is going on for this weekend. So many different ideas have been tossed around and I'm beginning to think one of two things. Either, 1. There is no planning involved and it's going to be a cluster of a weekend; or 2. Paul is planning something for Valentine's day and is trying to keep it hush hush. It would be odd if he does plan something because he hates Valentine's Day. He believes it isn't even a holiday and we shouldn't need a designated day to say "I Love You". I both agree and disagree with  his beliefs but I am not going to get into that.

It's amazing that I have already been up for 3 hours and have finished two loads of laundry, paid bills, harvested crops and drank my coffee. Hard to believe that I actually wrote in my blog two days in a row. Now that all of that is done, I guess it's time to work out and get on with my day.

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Yesterday I turned the fabulous age of 30. I was nervous, excited, scared, anxious, and pretty much every other feeling in the book. It wasn't so much that I thought I was going to be struck by lightning or it was going to hurt or something, I was just having personal and emotional feelings about actually "turning 30".

I'm young. I never have once thought (yet) that I am old. I feel old sometimes, but that comes with the recipe. I got married the first time at the very young age of 18. My son was born when I was 19 and that really made me grow up. Probably too fast for a 19 year old. I've held several different types of jobs, and have lived in four states since the age of 18. I've been through a lot and most of it wasn't pleasant.

I wakeboard, snowboard, ride dirt-bikes and play laser tag with my son and husband. I hope to still be doing those things when I'm 50. I believe it's those activities that are keeping me young, even though they make my body ache as though I'm 60. I have a few "lines" on my forehead but that just shows that I've lived life.

Accepting the fact that I turned 30 and don't yet know exactly what I want to be when I grow up is something I'm starting to be ok with. I've narrowed it down to a few ideas and that is far better than having no clue at all. I have goals. I do. I don't tell people what those goals are because when I do that I usually end up failing.  I love being a "Domestic Engineer" but I know that in just 7 more school years Joey will be graduating from high school and off to college. Then what? I know that I will have to have something that is my own. Something I worked hard for and something I enjoy doing. Thinking about the possibilities of the next few years makes me giggle inside with anticipation.

Though I had a birthday yesterday and received many nice cards and gifts from family and friends I still did not receive a gift from my dear husband. Why? I am still unsure of that. The only time he has given me a gift for my birthday was in 2006. The first birthday of mine that we were dating. He took Joey and I snowboarding in Tahoe for the first time and it was wonderful.  I'm not really sure why he doesn't buy me gifts for my birthday. I don't know if I am being too materialistic? I really don't care how much he spends on the gift, whether it be $10 or $300, I just care that some thought went into getting his wife a present to open on her birthday. Is it really so wrong of me to wish that I could get a present from my husband? He did take the day off of work yesterday to spend it with me, and I do appreciate that. Its not often that he takes time off of work and it means a lot that he did it for me. I am just trying to process and figure out how to just accept that as my gift. Why can't I do that? Is it because he buys his brother and mom and dad gifts on their birthdays? He loves to accept gifts from his parents and brother, so why does he feel I am not deserving of a small gift? I just don't get it and I'm not sure I ever will.

Aside from my husband not giving me a gift, I did receive some other really nice gifts on my birthday that were really not even necessary! It's so nice to know that I have family and friends that care for me and want to spoil me! Makes me smile to know that even when the hubby might not show up to play, my friends and family do.

I am 30 now. I have a new outlook on life and love and dreams. I can't wait to experience all that comes next.

Friday, February 5, 2010


What is a friendship? Is it the same as any relationship? We often use the term, but really what does it mean? Is there a difference between an acquaintance and a friend? A companion and a spouse? Soul mate?

Wikipedia says, "Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between two people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis.  Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other. The practical execution of friendship is little more than the trust that someone will not harm them"

I would describe myself as one that has always had a lot of friends. I was always surrounded by people that I called "friends", but as I got older I started to learn what a friend really is. When I would talk about friends, my dad would always say, "They aren't friends, they are acquaintances." I'd argue with him and then walk away. I know now what he meant by that.

Over the past few years I've really discovered who my friends are. The people that I have a connection with and carry on a relationship with. Since getting divorced in 2004, I have learned a lot about trust. I've had my heart broken by both men and women and I've learned from each of those instances. Sadly, it continues today. Just when you think you are really close to someone, you've known them for a number of years,  they close you out. They don't come to you to talk, they don't call unless they need something and they most likely talk behind your back. For me, discovering that this person is not a friend, is empowering. I've learned to set that relationship aside and know that the connection that I thought was there no longer exists.  However, with my personality, it's not that easy to just let it go.

I miss my friend. I miss hanging out and laughing. I wonder if they miss it too? Does it hurt them the way it hurts me, or do they really not even care. Did I care too much? Did I invest too much of my self worth into a relationship that really wasn't going to last forever?

Personally, for me, having my son and husband is the greatest friendship there is. They truly can be trusted with my heart. The number of friends that I can say that about is very small and they know who they are. They don't need to be told and I don't need to be told that they feel the same. I am working on accepting that and moving on from the dysfunctional relationships that I have tried to hold on to. As I get older I find that having less friends is better. Just as most things in life, I'm trying to keep it simple.

I am no longer going to try to fix something so broken. I am going to focus on the relationships that do mean something and do show me the same respect.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Time flies

So many things going on, I can't believe that it's already February! January flew by so fast. Every weekend seemed to be filled with something exciting and it really reminded me of 4 years ago when Paul and I had first started "really" dating. We were always planning something fun to do on the weekends and always had something to look forward to. I am happy that he has been taking more time to spend with us at home and not so much time at work. It really has been helping.

This past weekend we went to Yuma again to visit with our friends Jason, Erin & their son Taylor. It was a blast. We got there Friday night and met up with them as they were finishing their dinner at Applebee's. When they were done, we stopped at the grocery store, picked up a bottle of wine and headed back to their place to hang out and visit. We knew that we'd be getting up the next day to go riding and had a lot to do before that could happen. Jason was still working on getting Erin's bike running so she could ride with us and he also needed to fix a few things on his bike.

Saturday morning, Erin and I got up and took the kids with us to go to Starbucks while Paul and Jason worked on the bikes. It was fun. I really enjoy hanging out with Erin and the more and more I talk with her and spend time with her, the more I find we have in common. It's always fun to hang out with people you can relate to on so many levels. We had so many great talks about careers and children and the husbands that it really left me with a smile on my face.

After riding all afternoon we decided to get cleaned up and go to dinner at "Ah So Sushi & Steak". Wow. That is definitely my new favorite restaurant. I had some of the best sushi that I have ever had before and the teppanyaki was excellent! So much better than Benihana's! I am really sad that the closest one to our house is about 45 minutes away. It was a great night that was filled with so many new memories. Getting pulled over on our way home, watching the crop duster and getting stopped by the train (that lasted forever). I can definitely say that I slept well that night.

Sunday we woke up and hung around the house for a while, watched the race on tv and then grabbed lunch on our way back out to the Foothills for some more riding. We got out there and set up a nice little camp.

Sunday was a good day of riding. I did crash though and it scared the crap out of me. The good thing is I didn't get hurt. Paul, Joey and I had taken off to do a bit of trail riding back through some little ravines. I was leading, Joey was behind me and Paul was in the back. I was having a blast, picking different routes to take and trying new things that would have scared me in the past. I came up a hill and not knowing what was on the other side had to think quickly and take a path. The one I chose was pretty steep and I wasn't quite ready for it. I thought I had been in 2nd gear but was in 3rd and was going way too fast down the hill for my comfort level. There was a hard right turn at the bottom and I just couldn't make it in time, went up the side of the wall and hit the throttle. Not really a good idea, but it is what it is. I launched my bike and decided that letting go of it would be a smart idea. It flew through the air and landed a few feet from me. I only tumbled a little bit and landed next to my bike. Not really sure what had happened at first, I jumped up and picked up my bike right as Paul was riding up to me asking if I was ok. "I jumped up and yelled "I'm alright! l let go of my bike!". (Something I learned the night before was a good idea after watching Ryan Dungey do the same thing during the supercross race at San Fran). My pants were full of sand, my shirt, my goggles and one of my gloves even came off. It was quite the crash, but I learned a lot from it and thankfully I'm not hurt. My handlebars were pretty bent, but they've already been fixed.

When we got back to our trucks, I wanted to practice jumping again. I had started to earlier in the day and was determined to get it down. I may not be getting too much air or too much distance, but I'm jumping. Now that I have the feel for it, I can conquer bigger jumps!

After riding all day Sunday (and crashing) I was exhausted. I was sore (still am) and hurting all over. It was a great day though and I can't wait to do it again. Not only was the weekend good, but the drive to and from Yuma was great too. Paul and I had some very long talks about life and career choices for me. The first step I'm going to take is to go and see a college advisor at the community college. I am thinking that at least starting on some of my GE classes will help me start into the right direction. I think I've pretty much narrowed it down to three different choices and hopefully once I talk to an advisor it might help me start out in the right direction. I feel good going into February and I'm starting to feel good about turning 30.