Late night writing. (4-27-10)

Did I do this?

Did I make you this way?

You don't care like you used to and it's killing me inside.

The glare from your eyes wraps around my heart and turns me so cold.

I want to be warm again.

I want you to love again and be free.

How do I get you to be the man you used to be?

The one that cared about me and my feelings?

************

Sometimes I lay awake at night and write. It doesn't always have something to do with what is going on in my life and is mostly just the inside of my head. Feelings of past, present or even feeling what I think friends may be feeling.

Field Trip

Yesterday I had the enjoyment of going on a field trip with Joe's 5th grade class. It was pretty exciting to me as I hardly ever get to go on field trips. I was always working before we moved here and never able to go. It's such a blessing to be a part of Joe's class and have the children recognize me as his mom. I love hanging out with the kids and observing them. Watching their conversations and trying to figure out the differences in personalities. I am really enjoying this age and am starting to think it's becoming my favorite.

We went to the Halle Heart Children's Museum in Tempe. It is funded by the American Heart Association and yes, you guessed it, all about the heart.  I'm not sure if it's open to the public or not, but it was definitely geared towards school age children and organized for a field trip. At every 15 minute interval we would go to a new station and do a new hands on activity or learn a different aspect about eating healthy.

I thought it was great, especially because I have made these lifestyle changes in our home and I am always telling Joe why we exercise and eat healthy. This only helped my case. Now he doesn't think I'm just his "crazy mom". He understands more of why I am always making him eat spinach and strawberries and don't let him drink soda or eat a lot of junk food.

When we got back to the school we walked to the park near by to have lunch. I've definitely realized now that my son has officially grown out of the wanting mom around phase. We sat on the lawn with his friends and when they wanted to get up and go eat on the playground, he went right with him and left me there. Sitting alone!! It was great when I overheard his friend saying "Dude! Joe, your mom is here to have lunch with you and you totally just left her there!". I sat and enjoyed my lunch, listening to the conversations of a group of girls sitting to my left and watching some other kids play tag to my right. It was peaceful, reassuring and  one of the best lunches I've had this year.

I am feeling great. I really do feel that my job as a mom is the best, most rewarding job there could be. I am really enjoying it and taking advantage of every day spent being a stay at home mom, because I really don't know how much longer I'll have. I have also just started week 9 of my new eating habits and exercise regimen. I have lost a total of 10.5 lbs and am down at least 1 size in my clothes. I haven't tried on my wedding dress yet, but I'm almost certain it might fit by week 12. I wish that I could share my inspiration and energy with so many who just can't get there. If only they knew how wonderful I feel....

Clouds in the sky

Today started out as a beautiful day. It was a bit overcast and darker clouds in the distance but I knew it would be perfect for my photo-shoot with Larry Stone. Clouds and mid morning sun always make for great outdoor lighting.

I have to admit that I was a little bit nervous meeting Larry. I knew he would be a nice person since my husband's cousin Stacie introduced me to him but still, meeting new people is always a little bit nerve racking, especially when they are going to be photographing you. From the moment I shook his hand I knew I'd feel comfortable with him. It's such an important part of getting great quality photos too. If you are nervous and tense, it's going to show up in the photos. I was happy that I was able to relax and have a good time.

We met up near the ASU campus because he had a few places picked out that he wanted to use. They worked out perfectly and I felt very natural and it was easy to smile and just be myself, even with a few people giving me strange looks as they walked by. After shooting there for about an hour, we decided to get a little bit different scenery so we drove up the road a little bit to that mountain I believe they call "A Mountain". I've been wanting to hike that trail for some time, just never knew I'd be doing it in 4 inch wedge heels....

After a few pictures with some old train tracks, I opted to change my outfit for the third time and throw on some torn up jeans. My favorite pair of jeans. I did forget to bring some different shoes, so yes, I kicked off my heels in the desert landscape and didn't care that I had thorns poking me. I felt at ease and so comfortable and I hope it really shines through in the photos.

I am so thankful for the journey that life is giving me and am so happy that I'm not on the journey alone. This is all just a part of me finding out who I am.

I have the courage

"All of our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney

I absolutely love the above quote. It's so true for so many. No one ever accomplished anything by sitting on the couch talking about "it". The past few days were busy, again. I like it that way. Life is happier.

Yesterday I was very fortunate to work on the set of a Sheraton Commercial Shoot. I don't believe the commercial will be on TV, it's more of a business to business reel that will most likely be private. While it was an extremely long day, (13.5hrs) I am NOT complaining. I met some really great people, made some new connections and of course got to be on camera! For anyone that has read my blog from the beginning you know what that means to me.

Last week I was reminded of how much I love being a stay at home mom. Sometimes I get busy and forget all that it means to be able to stay home and take care of my family. Joey is overall a pretty healthy child. With the exception of asthma, getting H1N1 last November and having a few "digestive" issues, he's very healthy. I haven't ever received a call from the school and when I heard the phone ring and saw that the caller ID said "Public Sch", I knew there had to be something wrong. Of course there was. Joey had slipped in the bathroom on his way back to class after brushing his teeth after lunch (he has braces and I MAKE him do that). After a few hours at the hospital we left with crutches and a knee brace. Luckily it was only a very bad sprain. That was Monday.

Friday, as I'm cleaning the house and going about my daily duties, the phone rings again and it was the school, AGAIN! What now? The nurse advised me that Joe was in her office and having trouble breathing, and needed his inhaler. I grabbed his inhaler and went to the school. He looked as though he had been rolling around in the grass and of course since he's allergic, that is going to set off his asthma.

After these two instances, I started thinking about what would have happened if I was working. Who would take care of him? What if I couldn't get off of work? What if Paul couldn't get off of work? At that moment, I smiled and let my husband know how thankful I am that I stay home. It's worth it.

I'm going to continue pursuing what I want in life and all the while I am going to smile and enjoy the little things.

Positive vibe

I feel as though I am a pretty positive thinker. Yes, I will complain about certain aspects of life but who doesn't? I don't feel that I complain about everything and anything and I really do try to look at the positive things in life. Life can be so short and I want to live mine to the fullest and have the best memories possible.

I used to be a pretty negative thinker. Always thinking the "glass was half empty" and thinking the worst. This would most likely be the result of a series of events in my life that were negative. When good things don't happen to you it tends to bring you down and you start thinking you don't deserve any better. Even as a dispatcher I continued to think the glass was half empty. Of course I did, because I was surrounded constantly 50-60 hours a week by negativity. It's not very often the person on the other end of the line is calling to just say "Thank you".

It has taken me a while, but I believe that I finally can say "The glass is half full". I'm always seeking out the positive in everything and every situation  and have said goodbye to friends that couldn't keep up with my beliefs. It's hard when you are trying to be optimistic and positive and someone around you is constantly complaining and or telling what you should or shouldn't be doing.

This is my life and I am loving every bit of it. I'm learning to deal with emotional rollercoasters that being a woman sends me on, eating differently so that I'm not only putting bad into my body (minus the glass of champagne or the beer at my favorite brewery), and I am exercising on a regular basis.  It's amazing what those small changes have done for me in just a short amount of time.

I am down 6.5 lbs since March 1 and I feel amazing, strong, beautiful, confident and most of all, myself. It's almost as if my morning workout routine is as much an addiction as my cup of coffee. I crave it when I wake up and it leaves me feeling energized for the rest of the day. I just wish that I could spread that energy to those close to me.

I am going to continue thinking positive, playing positive and making good things come alive in my life! This is still MY year!

Spring is here.

The shades of green, birds chirping and ducklings on the lake are all signs that spring is officially here. I've always thought that summer was my favorite season of the year, but lately, I'm starting to think it's spring.

Winter was so long this year. It was cold and it rained a lot. For unknown reasons I really dislike winter. It does horrid things with my moods and my skin and causes me to want to curl up in a hole and hibernate. It's almost like I did. Everyday I would spend a bit of time laying on the couch reading or playing on Facebook, watching a movie or taking a nap. I didn't want to go outside, I wanted to stay bundled up in my lambie.

Now that the weather is warmer and I can wear next to nothing in my backyard, I can't get enough of the outdoors. I'm up at 5:30am every day, working out at 6 and ready to conquer the day. It's been so hard for me to want to sit at my desk in the office and play on the computer. I'm restless and need to be doing something. Something productive. I guess I have traded naps and bundling up inside for laying out poolside in my bikini iPhone in hand. Listening to music and playing on Twitter or Facebook while I soak up a few minutes of Vitamin A & Vitamin D.

I am happy. Extremely happy and wouldn't change a thing if I could. I'm not going to say I'll write every day, but I am trying to write more. I have so many ideas and topics I want to write about, I just can't get myself to sit down and do it! Maybe I should bring my laptop outside with me while laying in the sun...

Where did the last three weeks go?

I am amazed when I sit back and think about how quickly the last few weeks went. So many exciting things happened that I can't even write about them all. It almost feels like a blur. As I look through photos, I smile and know that each of those memories holds a special place in my heart. From our roadtrip to San Diego to my husband's parents visiting for a week. As soon as they left, my cousin Audrey came to visit and we spent time in the sun, hiked, rode bikes, went for evening walks and laughed about nonsense.

It is now Thursday April 8 and I'm taking a deep breath. Getting my life back in order and out of "vacation mode". On a job hunt, gearing up for summer and helping Joey through his last couple months of 5th grade.

I am excited to say that tomorrow I get to be a part of a production that has come to Phoenix. It's once again a very good feeling to know you were handpicked from a group of people to be a part of a group of people. Always ego boosting and helps with the self confidence.

I will be writing more. Just not sure what I'll be writing about....