Thursday, January 28, 2010

Nothing in particular.

I don't want it to go away, or do I?

These feelings I have for you

I try to divert my attention, but just can't get myself away from it all.

Thoughts of you invade my mind and I can't break free.

Your face, your smell, your touch.

Who are you?

My knight in shining armor, my husband, a long lost soul searching for his one true love?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It's raining here in the Valley of the Sun, again. This January is definitely very different from the last. I remember wearing a tank-top and jeans to Paul & Joey's race at this time last year. It was nice out and I was already working on my sun-kissed skin. I miss the sun. I miss the warmth that it gives me and the way it warms my cheeks. Some have said to me, "You'll be regretting saying that when it's 110 degrees outside." No. I won't. I prefer that over a cold and rainy day. I love the snow, yes, when I'm snowboarding. I love the rain if it's accompanied by a good storm. I miss the sun.

I woke with several random thoughts in my head this morning. Not much different from any other day. I often dream of life and people that I have no recollection of who they are or what they mean. Sometimes it is just and idea without a face. I often wonder if it is just my mind playing tricks on me? If the person really does exist in my life, I just don't know it?

Yesterday was a good day. It was hair day. My beautiful friend Sarah (who does my hair) came over to do both mine and Tennille's hair. Tennille made us french toast for breakfast and it was delicious! It's always fun to have someone else cook for you in your kitchen. It tastes that much better. We had several good conversations over the three hour block of time.  Never did I imagine that I would find others that feel the same way I do about so many topics. From jobs to husbands to children to ghosts. It feels good and is so refreshing.  When we were on the topic of my upcoming birthday, Sarah told me something that I adore. She said, "You aren't turning 30. The last age you turn is 29 and each year after is an anniversary of 29". Therefor, this is my 1st Anniversary of 29! I like that.  Tennille went on to tell me that she thinks we should just plan something amongst ourselves for my birthday since the husband isn't doing anything. I am perfectly ok with that. Whether it's a dinner and movie or a spa day, anything to celebrate my youth will make me smile. Yes, 30 is a big deal to me.

It's not so much that I feel old, because I don't. I ride dirt bikes and am doing my darnedest to stay faster than Joey (yes, he's 10 and yes he's almost as fast as me). I love to snowboard, even though this is the 2nd winter in a row of no boarding, I wakeboard, I ride a skateboard (occasionally) and I still play Marco/Polo in the pool during the summer. I'm far from being "old". The part that I'm having a hard time swallowing is the fact that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Not sure why it bothers me and why I can't just settle on "being a mom" right now. I love this job, and I would do this forever if I knew I could. The problem is, I know I can't. If we are going to have any type of future or if Paul is ever going to retire, I'm going to have to have a "career". I just don't know what I want that career to be.

The countdown is on, 13 days. I will turn 30 and still not know what my calling is.

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