Friday, January 21, 2011

Thoughts and fears

I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that my only choice for delivery may be a c-section. The number one thing that matters is that I have a healthy baby boy in my arms, but how he gets here has always been something I took for granted.

I gave birth to Joey completely natural, almost 12 years ago. Even when I was 19, I felt strongly about natural, drug free births and the thought never crossed my mind that I would have to have a c-section. Now, going into this pregnancy the thought never crossed my mind either. From the moment that we started talking about trying to get pregnant, I had talked with my husband about my birthing beliefs. It's so hard for me to accept the possibility and I'm just not sure how to "get over it" and just accept reality. Millions of women go through the surgery method of birth and they recover just fine, as do their babies. I just never thought I might be one of those women.

I'm not going to lie. I'm scared and terrified. I don't want an epidural. It terrifies me to think of someone putting a needle in my already screwed up spine. I don't want to have dr's cut open my abdomen to remove the baby, I want him to come when he's ready and the natural way, so I can hold him and nurse him as soon as possible. I understand that if my condition doesn't get better, it's very dangerous to both me and baby if I was to try a vaginal delivery but I'm just praying that my condition gets better and I don't even have to worry about all of this crap! February 7 can't get here soon enough.

I've gained 12 pounds since the day I tested positive. I'm 21 weeks, 5 days and to me that seems like a lot of weight. I know that it's normal, and I'm going to gain weight but I'm sorry, no matter who you are, weight is weight and it's hard to swallow. I love seeing my growing belly, I just don't love seeing my growing butt. In the mirror it looks the same, but I can tell the difference when I try on certain clothes that fit me just two weeks ago... they are a little tight in the bottom area. My weight gain goal is 25 maybe 30 pounds. I'm hoping that I can stay on track and stay within those numbers especially if I do end up having to have a c-section, since I can't start exercising as soon after delivery.

I think the one thing I love more than anything is not just feeling little Honda move around but having Joey sit with his hand on my belly feeling his brothers little kicks and squirms. It truly is a happy mommy moment and I will never forget it. It's something that you can't ever get back so I'm enjoying every second of it. I'm not trying to hide my belly either, now that it actually looks like a pregnant belly and not just a beer belly and I really can't imagine what it's going to look like in another 12 weeks or even 15 weeks. It already seem so huge to me!!

Babies are a blessing and I am so thankful I am getting to experience all that motherhood brings. I may whine and complain but who doesn't? Deep down, I am thankful, compassionate and so happy to have another baby boy to call my own!

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