Two months later...

Today is exactly two months from when I wrote my last post about PPD. I was feeling very down and thankfully because I recognize it, I can help myself to get better.

February came and went with a blurrrr... dinner with friends for my birthday, a visit from my favorite cousin and more smiles from my two growing boys.

February also brought Tough Mudder. What an experience!! It was both mentally and physically challenging. With the help of my friends and loving husband I even faced my biggest fear. There were tears involved but sometimes that's what helps me conquer something.

















If I said I wasn't tired after all of the obstacles and the 12 mile run I'd be lying. My body hurt, everywhere but my spirits were flying high. Knowing that I set out to face the obstacles and the challenge and accomplished it was SO rewarding.

And.. if I wasn't crazy enough to do that, one of my really great friends and I had signed up to do another Half-marathon together, THE FOLLOWING WEEKEND. Crazy.

We did it and we did it with smiles.



Even though it was the dear husband's birthday he brought the boys out so that they could meet us at the finish line. THAT was my smile for the day!



I took about a week off after both of those events and then started right into my bootcamp 4-5 days a week. I can't stress enough how much exercise helps me. It truly is my drug and I choose to keep it my drug. I don't want to be on Zoloft or Prozac or whatever else there is out there, I want to stay healthy, active and enjoy my life medicine free.

Since I've gone back to bootcamp, I've started doing Boxing/Kickboxing as well which is AMAZINGLY therapeutic. I go at least once a week and for the last three weeks in a row I've gone twice. Making kickboxing my 2nd workout of the day on Wednesdays. I am learning so much more about my body, my core and my inner strength. I can't wait to see what magic it has done for me after a couple of months!!

The Magic 3's. Two of them to be exact.

I am older, wiser, more stubborn and feeling more confident than ever.

I had another birthday this weekend, yesterday. I am another year older and am excited about this. Not excited about the wrinkles that have shown up around my eyes but I am excited that the older I get, the more relaxed I get.

This last year was particularly hard for me, emotionally. I feel that it had a lot to do with something I haven't talked a lot about with many people for fear of judgement.

After giving birth to Travis in May 2011, life was not easy but it also wasn't as hard as other peoples lives. I am thankful for what I have been blessed with inside and out but I was left with deep depression. One that I never thought possible of feeling.

I sought out help in November 2011, at which point both my doctor and the therapist she referred me to said I was "fine and just needed to get out more".

Ok.

Well, at the time I was running 5-6 times a week and granted I wasn't sleeping or going out with friends (which I didn't really have at the time) I felt I was "getting out".

A few more months went by and I was still feeling these sad moments, happy moments and I had a lot of anger built up inside. Towards what? Who knows..

I sought help again.

This time I met with a therapist once a week for about 6 weeks. She was great and helped to instill confidence in me again. I started "getting out" and actually made some really great friends during this time. I stopped seeing her and it's been almost a year since.

Life is such a learning process. We are constantly learning about ourselves, our family, our friends and where the flavor of vanilla comes from (yeah, I won't go there). I know, looking at the past year and a half that I have battled PPD. So many suffer from it, and so many don't get help. I don't believe you always have to turn to medicine for help but sometimes it is necessary.

Today is a new day and I am greeting it with open arms and new habits. I am going to continue eating healthy and exercising and focusing on me and my family while still moving forward in my journey away from postpartum depression.

Since April is almost over, I guess it's time for an update

Today is April 23 and it's currently 97 degrees outside. Most people complain over and over about the heat, but not me. I love it. It makes me happy and I am a better person when it's warm! I swam for the first time this weekend, a little earlier than I usually take the dive, but it felt so good after laying out in the sun for 15 minutes.

April has flown by just as fast as the rest of the year has and I can hardly believe that Travis will be 11 months old this coming Friday. That means, only one month left until his 1st birthday. Wait, what? Did I say 1st birthday? Yes, time is flying.

I've continued with my hot yoga practices this month at least once a week, sometimes twice. I really enjoy it and how it makes me feel both during and after. I've still been running and even completed another 5k. It was called the "Firefly Run" and it was a night time race through the streets of downtown Phoenix. I was joined by a few girlfriends and we had a blast, ,or at least I did anyways. I ran my fastest 3.1 miles I've ever run and was so proud of the accomplishment. Now I'm resting up for the Warrior Dash coming up this Saturday. Myself and four girlfriends will be dressed in our hot pink tutus and pretty in mud tanks as we move through the obstacle course.

My spring classes are coming to a close with my last final due this weekend. I am so ready for the three month break before I start my Anatomy & Physiology class in August. I don't have a whole lot planned for the summer other than swim, swim and swim some more.

Joey is doing great in school, keeping on top of his grades and we aren't having any trouble with him and teachers. It's such a good feeling to know we are raising such a well behaved boy! I just don't know how to swallow the fact that he will be 13 in just a few short months. A teenager? Oh my...

Travis is all over the place. Can't keep that boy still. He loves to explore and show off his early adapted walking skills. It's hard sometimes because I feel like he is much older than he really is. I have to remind myself constantly that he is still a baby. His tummy issues are getting better, he's fully on Similac Alimentum formula and seems to be handling it very well. He's still having some issues with the solid foods, but I think in time he will outgrow the allergies and his pickiness. I think it's kind of going hand in hand.

Homework break is over, time to get back to work before Travis wakes up from his nap. Can't say that I'll write again soon, because I really don't know...

Cake Balls

So, thanks to Pinterest I have become quite the baker and cooker. (Is that what you call it?) I am finding all sorts of dinner recipes and a few sweets recipes too. I can't wait for summer time to settle in the desert so that I can try the delicious drink recipes I am finding. Now if only I had friends and family to entertain...

For Valentine's Day this year I wanted to try something new. Something I had a taste of at a party I went to a few weeks ago. Cake Balls. Delicious little balls of cake. I found a recipe for Red Velvet Cake Balls here  via Pinterest. It looked pretty simple so I thought, "why not?"

I bought the ingredients and proceeded to make my first batch of balls. (hehe)

I crumbled the cake (and sampled a little too) and added the cream cheese frosting...



I proceeded to roll the mixture into scrumptious little balls... and placed them in the freezer so that I could have them done before the end of the night.



Now.. the hard part was dipping them into the chocolate. Since this was my first time, I really had no idea what it was going to be like or how it was going to work. It didn't go so well, the chocolate was getting hard pretty quickly (like after two balls) and since I was doing only a few squares of bark at a time, I was running out fairly quickly as well.

I managed to get quite a few of them dipped and am hoping to find some blogs that can help me to make them better "looking" next time, because the taste was not an issue. OH-MY-GOODNESS are these delicious. I can't wait to start making more and experimenting with them. I just might have to send them to work with dh, so all of my running doesn't go to waste ;) Or who knows, maybe I can try gluten-free, dairy free or sugar-free???

Teething.

It is truly amazing how quickly time flies when you have a baby. I can not believe that it's already February and little Travis is 8 months old. Joey will be 13 in just 6 short months and my life is on a track that I am pleased with.

Little update (since I haven't written in a while). Travis is still sleeping through the night, usually asleep by 7:10PM and sleeps until 5:30 or 6:00 am. It's wonderful to get a full nights sleep and I have already forgotten how sleep deprived I was when he was still getting up 2-3 times a night. He's napping very regularly as well and this whole schedule thing is amazing. We do the same thing at the same time every day and he knows it. If I have an appointment and it takes us off schedule just a small amount, he's quite the bear.

He was an early teether with the two bottom teeth, got them in one day when he was 4 months old. Now that he is 8 months old, he's been working on the top two teeth for quite some time. I'd have to at least for the last month. Some days are worse than others and today is one of those days. The right tooth is through but he's working on the left one and I hate seeing him in so much pain. Why is it that teething doesn't affect some babies at all and some are down right horrid to deal with? I feel so bad for him that he's in pain, but hey, we all went through this in our life right? So, I know he'll be fine, it just sucks in the meantime.

School is going well for me this semester. I am taking a critical thinking class and also an ethics and criminal justice class. They kind of go hand in hand with one another and I am having fun exploring personal values, thoughts and ideas.

Running. I am running and officially training for a half-marathon. The half-marathon is on March 3 and I am seriously excited! I am running anywhere between 3-5 days a week and my overall health is amazing right now. I'm eating well, feeling well, looking well and have found happiness within myself.

I need to start writing more, I miss it and need to get back into a routine of doing so. Maybe this will be the start...

8 Weeks.

Travis is 8 weeks old today.

The last 8 weeks haven't gotten any easier, in fact, they have gotten harder. After cutting everything out of my diet, also called a "Total Elimination Diet" there was still no change in Travis and he actually had blood in his stool. His pediatrician diagnosed him with Allergic Colitis and suggested we switch him to formula. This decision was both very difficult for me and easy at the same time. Easy only because I didn't want to see my child suffer anymore as something I was eating was tearing up his insides. It was difficult because breastfeeding is something that is so important to me and I really wanted to be able to provide for him as I did for Joey.

After 5 days on Similac Alimentum formula he had an amazing day! Two of them in fact and his pediatrician did another stool test and it was already negative for blood. We actually thought things were looking up and the road we were on had come to an end. We were wrong. Late that evening he started with his screaming again.

Let me just explain something. I understand babies cry. I understand there is a thing called "Colic" (ie: we don't know). What Travis has is not normal baby fussiness. It's painful cries for hours and hours all throughout the day and nothing consoles him. He wakes up screaming in pain, falls asleep after tiring himself out from screaming in pain. It's not normal and we have had his pediatrician and a GI specialist both tell us that, "This isn't normal. This is excessive and we need to fix this so that it doesn't cause later problems."

Another 6 days of crying and I called his doctor, again. I think I've talked to her at least once a week for the last 8 weeks, I'm sure she's tired of hearing from us. She advised that at this point, we need to seek help with a Pediatric GI Specialist. On Tuesday, July 19 I took him to see this specialist and she had yet more "trial and error" ideas she wanted to practice on our son. She said that she *thinks* he has several severe food allergies and can't even be on the Alimentum formula. She switched him to a prescription formula that has completely broken down food proteins and should solve the problem. It's called Elecare and it's not exactly cheap. BUT we will pay whatever price we have to to fix our baby boy.

After just 2 bottles of Elecare Travis was worse. He was acting the same way he used to act when he was on breastmilk and it only got worse throughout the night. The next morning I called the Dr. again to see if this was normal... he was horrible. Screaming, tears and exhausting himself so much he wouldn't eat. When she called back, she said it was rare to have a reaction to that formula but to stop giving him that one and we'd switch to Neocate. Ugh. Switch again....

Right now we are going on day 4 of the amino-acid based prescription formula. There is a difference from when he was nursing, but there is no difference from when he was on the Alimentum formula. For both his pediatrician and the GI specialist, they said if there is no change with the formula then we are going to start running tests on him to see what it is. They've already ordered an ultrasound of his brain, (yes, this freaks me out) and they are going to do blood work and test his urine.

This hasn't been a fun journey by any means. I can't remember the last time I actually felt, happy or relaxed for that matter. It's been one thing after another and I just wish we could reach a solution. I am so tired of trial and error and I'm breaking down. I'm exhausted, only getting about 3-4 hours of sleep a night and barely any naps during the day since Travis will only sleep 20-30 minutes at a time. Of course, during that time I have to eat, shower or wash bottles <---not my favorite chore.

I'm not giving up, but I sure do feel like it times. I cry daily and my body is starting to physically hurt. I am so thankful that I have such a loving supportive husband who will listen to me when I'm a blubbering mess and an 11 year old son who is so understanding to the situation. He's even worried about Travis. We all are.

He finally just fell asleep so I am off to join him...

Almost time

It's been a while since my last post. So much has gone on over the last month, I wouldn't know where to start to catch up! Maternity photos, my aunt and uncle visiting, Mother's Day, football games, riding, 6th grade band concerts, D.A.R.E. graduation and good quality time with my boys. Now that all of that is out-of-the-way, little Honda is welcome to come any day.

I am 39 weeks, 4 days if you go by my original due date of May 29. This little guy is definitely NOT coming early as Joey did and I am ok with that. He will come when he's ready! I've been spending as much one on one time with Joey as possible and Paul and I have even been making sure to get our alone time in as well. Soon, it will be the four of us! Our maternity photo shoot came out fabulous!! There are so many photos to choose from, but we aren't going to order any until after Erin does the newborn photos. You can see a sneak peek of the shoot on her Facebook Page.

It's hard to believe there are only five days of school left for Joey. Why they don't just end this Friday is beyond me... Both him and Paul have a 3-day weekend ahead and will probably go riding again, pending Honda's arrival. They went out to the track together the other day and had a great time. I love seeing them do that, even though I'm jealous that I can't ride right now. Soon enough, I'll be back on my bike!

I have an appointment with my midwife this morning and am very anxious. I have been having so many Braxton Hick's contractions over the past month, and they are starting to get pretty intense at times. They just aren't making any progress! I guess I feed Honda too well, he's happy in there. (either that or he knows how hot it is outside).

Hopefully my next post will be my birth story....

[caption id="attachment_497" align="aligncenter" width="224" caption="My handsome little man & I at his band concert"][/caption]

To see more of Erin's photography, visit her website! She's AMAZING!!!

E L Hicks Photography 

Life & Death.

Last week was a happy but also sad week. On Monday, April 18, 2011 at 4:02pm our nephew Tyler was born. He weighed 8lbs 15oz and was 22 inches long! Way to go momma for pushing that big baby out! That's almost 9 pounds!!! He's adorable and I think he has his daddy's nose and the rest of him looks like his momma. We'll see as he gets older.

As the week went on, an angel got it's wings. I had a very tough time dealing with the news of a long time friend passing away and while it's still very difficult for me to talk about it, I am doing better. I've known James since I was about 6 or 7. He is the younger brother of my best friend Jenni and while we haven't really been in touch over the past few years, he is a huge part of my childhood and most of my memories from growing up, involve him. He died suddenly on Wednesday afternoon from a pulmonary embolism, blood clot. It is so tragic and I am so heartbroken as he was younger than me. I can't imagine the hurt that my "other family" (as they have always been called) are going through, not to mention his fiance. I really can't talk much more about it right now...

[caption id="attachment_481" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="James, Jenni & I, summertime '93 or '94"][/caption]

Pregnancy wise, I am feeling pretty good. I've had a few spells of exhaustion over the last couple days. It just sneaks up on me out of no where, and because I do know what it will be like when the baby comes, I take the chance to sleep. I take naps and I don't push myself, hoping to rest of up for the big day, whenever that may be. Hard to believe it will be sometime in the next month. There is no waiting much longer, he is coming, and he is coming soon! I've still been walking quite a bit, trying to get out there at least once a day and sometimes even twice. (Daily Mile) Since this is my 2nd pregnancy, I do know how important walking is to help before, during and after labor. I am still having several contractions a day, and even some that wake me in the night. Nothing is regular though, so I know it's just practice. My uterus is warming up for the big day! This coming Sunday we have our maternity photo shoot and I can't wait to see how they come out!

Joey has been doing well, hard to believe that 6th grade is almost over. My little baby won't be such a little baby anymore going into 7th grade! He's been doing his part around the house a bit more too, helping us in the yard and helping with his chores before I have to ask him, sometimes. He's such a great kid and I love him more than I can even describe. I just feel so bad for him sometimes because his dad has recently let him down. He doesn't say much about it, but you can see it all over his face and hear it in his voice every day when he checks the mail for a package his dad originally told him he mailed weeks ago. I just keep a big smile and tell him, "I'm sure it will be here soon," while my heart breaks inside for him.

This month has really flown by, and in just a few days it will be May. So hard to believe that I have been pregnant for 8 months, it goes so fast! Before we know it, he'll be walking!

34 weeks, 1 day

At 34 weeks pregnant I am feeling amazing. I don't have any swelling, my back is feeling fine and little Honda has moved out of my ribs and settled in nice and low.

I had an appointment with one of my midwives this morning and it went well. My blood pressure was normal (118/70) and my weight was, well, that I'm not going to say. Baby boy didn't want his heart rate taken, as he kept kicking the little Doppler thingee, but finally the nurse was able to catch that it was at a healthy 154. Belinda (midwife) had me lay down and she felt around to see about how big he is and she said he's just right for my physique. He's settled in nice and low, which is great news. Means he is getting ready for birth day! I've been having several Braxton Hicks daily among other "symptoms" that my body is showing, letting me know that my body is getting prepped and knows exactly what it's supposed to do.

Joey had a great football game on Saturday, they won 18-0. It was amazing to watch the boys play so well, especially since it was 95 degrees outside! Yesterday, we took the bikes to the track again (2nd weekend in a row) and it was so relaxing for me. I sat under the Easy-Up while Paul rode the big track and Joey rode the kids track. Days like that make me so happy and remind me of how blessed I am to live in such a great climate and have two wonderful boys who  love me!

Today, my sister-in-law is in labor. She was due a week ago on April 11 and finally little Ty has decided to make his way into the world. Her water broke early this morning so I am hoping that I will have a beautiful little nephew at some point today! He better not wait until tomorrow!! I'm ready to see his little face NOW!

Mercy Gilbert Tour

Last night Paul and I went for our tour of the Family Birthing Center at Mercy Gilbert Medical Center. I had been looking forward to this day for months. Every time we go to my prenatal appointments, which is just a block away, we see the hospital and it's so beautiful from the outside, I always wondered what it would be like on the inside.  It was so beautiful and didn't even feel like a hospital. It felt more like we were walking into a mall or beautiful hotel.



It was so fun to gather in the lobby on the 3rd floor where the family birthing center is located, seeing all of the different shapes and sizes of pregnant bellies. Some mom's weren't due until June and July, and then myself and one other due next month in May. Everyone there had their significant other with them and due to the RSV season, no children under 12 years old were allowed to come on the tour. In my opinion, they don't need to be there anyways.

We first talked about what we'd do when I do in fact go in to labor. Of course Paul will take me through the ER where they will assist me if needed to the 3rd floor and settle me into triage. In triage they will check me and monitor me to see if I am in fact in labor and if so, we'll get transferred to the Labor & Delivery room. The room was huge and very welcoming. It comes equipped with a 32" flat screen TV (not sure I'd be using that while in labor) and a nice pull out bed for Paul if he needs it. I will have my own private shower/restroom and in case I feel like getting on the internet, there is wifi! -I thought this was entertaining as the tour guide made a big deal out having wifi and that it's ok to bring your iphone, ipod, i-whatever.

We will stay in this room for the length of my labor and then little Honda will be delivered in that room too. Once he is delivered, I am able to postpone the Apgar testing for 30 minutes so that we can bond with him and get him nursing right away. I am very happy that they are open to this, as some hospitals whisk the baby away in those first moments that are so important. After being in the L&D room for two hours after delivery we will be moved to our postpartum room where we will stay for the remainder of our hospital visit. The coolest thing about the postpartum room is that it's all wired for Skype! There is a little camera mounted up in the corner of the room (it is adjustable) and it's connected with the large flat screen. We will be able to log in to our Skype account and talk with our parents, family and friends back in California. It will be like they are coming to visit us in the room.

I can't believe this is all just around the corner. I am in my 34th week of pregnancy and am starting to get really excited to meet this little guy. I have been bonding with him a lot, singing to him, reading to him, and talking to him all of the time. Now we just wait and see when he wants to make his grand entrance!

Acid Reflux & Leg Cramps

In a little over a month it will be a baby boy keeping me up at night, whereas now it's acid reflux and leg cramps. There isn't really a sure answer on why pregnant women get leg cramps during pregnancy but it's definitely one of the more uncomfortable side affects. Some nights are worse than others and I have yet to find out why I have the good nights. I am eating 2 bananas a day (on most days) and drinking at least 1 gallon of water. I'm still walking too, but for some reason I am haunted each night.

I had a bit of heartburn when I was pregnant with Joey, and a little bit of acid reflux but NEVER like I've experienced with this pregnancy. It haunts me any time of day, but the worst is at night, when I'm sleeping. It's not very pleasant to wake up choking because you have vomited in your mouth. As I'm running to the bathroom trying to spit it out everywhere, I wonder, what the heck brought it on this time?

Luckily I have learned that certain foods bring it on or if I eat too late before laying down to sleep. Most of the time I can control it but it's those off nights that it's just horrible.

Honda moves around a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean all of the time. He's a very active baby and I like to think it's because I have maintained such great health through this pregnancy and I eat pretty healthy with my share of veggies and fruits each day. We've also noticed that he moves a lot when there is music on with a good beat. He doesn't move so much when country music is on, but put a little bit of Pop on and he's jammin in there.

Joey has been doing well so far in the 4th quarter of school. He's had 1 football game for this spring season and Paul even took him riding this past weekend on his new dirt bike. He looks so great on it, it's the perfect size for him. We just need to get him more used to the clutch and the fact that it's a 2-stroke. He'll get the hang of it I'm sure.

The past few weeks have been busy, I had two baby showers and they were both a lot of fun. We have really gotten to know a lot of great people here and my family back home had a wonderful gathering for us via Skype.

Our hypnobirthing class is over now and I am really excited to use what I've learned. I already do in my day to day living and it's really helped in many ways. Tonight we are going to the hospital for our tour of "Labor & Delivery". I'm excited to see the rooms and see what kind of layout they have.

Time to go, someone is pushing on my bladder...

April is here.

It is hard to believe that I will be 32 weeks pregnant on Sunday. It still feels like it was just yesterday that I peed on a stick and it showed that little plus sign. This week marks the first week that I feel very pregnant. It all seemed to hit me at once, the fatigue, the hot flashes, worsening leg cramps, discomfort at night while trying to sleep and of course, my appetite has sort of gone away as I have no room to put in any food. Little Honda likes to keep his feet nestled nice and cozy in my ribs with the occasional punch to my bladder. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world though, as uncomfortable as it may be some times I truly love being pregnant.

Joey is back and we are back to normal around the house. Football has resumed and he's been doing his chores without me having to ask. He brought his report card home on Wednesday and we are very proud of him. All B's and one A. Much better than his last report card. It will be great if he can bring them all back up and get straight A's for his last quarter of 6th grade.

We've been looking for a new dirt bike for Joey for about a month now, and most of the ones we go and look at look nothing like the photos that people have posted of it on craigslist. It's like they know how to take the photos so the bike looks great, we drive out to the boonies and it's a piece of crap. Paul was fortunate enough to find a bike this week that looked exceptionally clean and as we drove 45 minutes north/west, we hoped that it really was what he said it was and what it looked like in the photos. It turned out to be everything that it appeared to be and MORE! We got such a great deal, on a newer bike and he threw in a brand new paddle tire, and pretty much everything else he had for the bike, as he didn't need any of it anymore. Joey is so excited and I can't wait to see him ride it!

We have company coming today, a friend I've known since 1st grade along with her husband and 18 month old little girl. She is coming for my baby shower that she is throwing tomorrow and I can't wait!!! It means so much to me that she is flying out here to visit us and host my shower. I think there are about 10 people coming, so it should be perfect. Only thing that isn't so perfect is it's supposed to be 96 degrees tomorrow.... good thing it's a "dry heat"

Off to do laundry and other miscellaneous chores that need to be done before the weekend. Its only 8:30 and I'm already exhausted...

Normally...

I tend to be on the cooler side which means I don't turn my AC on until the inside temperature of our house reaches close to 90. I like warm days, it means less clothes and the sun is shining. Kind of reminds me of Hawaii. This year will be different. Extremely different.

The temps have been in the 80's and I love it. Spring is probably my favorite time of year here in Arizona. Yesterday the temperature inside the house was 77 and it was just starting to get on the warm side. I'm not sure when I'll turn on the AC, but I was really hoping for two months of a really low electric bill from lack of heating/cooling. We'll see how long this lasts...

We had our 2nd hypnobirthing class last night and it went really well. I was having more trouble relaxing during some of the hypnosis exercises. I would be fine, but then my mind would drift and I'd listen to Paul's voice, but it'd make me giggle. All we have to do is practice.

Today is the fourth day that Joey has been gone. It's quiet around the house without him here and I miss him so much. I know that he's having fun with his dad, and getting his fill of video games (since he doesn't play them here). He'll be home in a week and a half and everything can return to normal. His eating habits, extra curricular habits and even his daily hugs he gives me. It really makes me sad to see all of his friends at the end of the street playing basketball, because I know he enjoys hanging out with them.

I am still feeling great. 29 weeks pregnant and I am still working out and eating healthy. It feels so good to not have any of the problems/complications that others I know have. I feel blessed and am so excited for the coming months! I really can't wait to hold this little guy and watch him sleep.

Our first Hypnobirthing class

Last night we started our Hypnobirthing class. It will last 5 weeks and each class is about 2 1/2 hours long. Luckily for us, the class is being held at our house, so we don't even need to go anywhere! There are four couples total, including us and the new people we met last night seem very nice. Two of us are pregnant with boys and the other two with girls. We are all due between May and July and it's funny to see the different shapes and sizes of all of our bellies!

I'm really excited to learn different relaxation techniques and apply them not only during child-birth but in my day-to-day living. So many people stress about unnecessary topics, things that are out of their control or even things that are in their control. They create the stress they are feeling. Our mind is so powerful and really you can overcome anything if you just relax.

It was interesting to feel baby boy move a lot last night when I had gotten into such a relaxed state. It was almost as if he could sense that relaxation and he more room to move around in the womb. The class is definitely going to bring a stronger bond within myself and Paul as well as with our unborn child who will be here before we know it.

I am such a strong believer of natural childbirth, without the unnecessary interventions and drugs that so many women resort to. It baffles me that some women are so unprepared for such an important day in their lives. I know that everyone is different, but why, after 9 months of eating healthy and not taking medications, does all of that go out the window on birth day? The pain is there, yes, but you can overcome that if you are strong enough to.

One aspect of this class will be learning how to release negative emotions. Unfortunately, for me, this will mean, releasing some people from our lives. I  know people who are constantly negative and bringing stress upon themselves and I just can't have those thoughts and worries with them. I'm going to continue surrounding myself and our family with positivity and release all of the fears.

This post has been kind of all over the place, and I thought about saving it and coming back to it later for editing. I have so many thoughts that I want to get out, but I think if I type them all, this post will break some sort of world record for it's length, so I'm going to leave it as a random babble. Because, well, that is my blog right? My inner babble...

I officially feel, pregnant.

I am now in my 28th week of pregnancy and I am definitely feeling it. The restless nights, ever expanding belly, leg cramps, acid reflux, among other things are keeping me feeling both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.

Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, even with all of the aches and pains. I may take longer to get up from the couch or sigh a little while trying to roll over in bed, but feeling those kicks and jabs from the little guy makes me forget all about the pain and reminds me of just how blessed I am to be carrying life inside of me.

For the last week, my in-laws have been visiting and even though we didn't do much, I am exhausted. I took today to collect myself, pick up the house, get the guest room cleaned up and ready for the next guests. I'm feeling as though I did in the first weeks of pregnancy though, tired, tired, tired.

While Paul's parents were here, we reassembled the cradle that my dad had built for Joey 12 years ago. Joey slept in it for the first couple of months, and it's been packed away ever since. This weekend we got it out, waxed it and put it in our room, ready for baby.



Along with getting the cradle set up and ready, my mother-in-law also helped me to get the crib set up. She purchased the crib for us a few weeks ago and then when she got here, we went shopping for the bedding that Paul had picked out. It's adorable and I have been spending some time in the nursery, imagining our sweet baby boy in his crib.



There are still a few things that need to be done to the room before it's complete, but his bed is ready for him.

We also got Joey's room all done up and nice while they were here. He now has the biggest of the three spare rooms and he seems to be loving it so far. We hung new pictures on his walls and he has been keeping his room a lot cleaner. Now if I can't just figure out what to do with the cats...

First, and hopefully last

The last five days or so have been pretty busy in our house. We have been rearranging rooms and organizing. Basically a similar game to musical chairs. Our house is a four bedroom house and of course, Paul and I have one room, Joey has another, the other two have been used as a guest room and office for the last two and a half years. Since baby is coming soon, we needed to make some changes.

What used to be the guest room is now Joey's room, and what was Joey's room is now the nursery, or at least on its way to looking like a nursery. The office and guest room are now combined and after trying to fit both my desk and the queen size bed in there we finally found the places for the puzzle. I personally think it looks great! Hopefully our company will be comfortable in their new room. The only concern I have is that my computer is in that room, so does that mean I can't go on my computer while we have company?

Of course I haven't moved any of the heavier furniture myself, but I have done my share of bending, sliding, pushing, trips up and down the hall making sure I am going through Joey's room as I am moving it. Monday night, something happened that I hoped never would and didn't expect it at all. I fell.

Paul was in the nursery with me, there is still a lot of Joey's stuff in there. Basically all of his belongings were in the middle of the room, so Paul could move the furniture and I could just rearrange book shelves. I went to take a step back and there was a large plastic tote on the floor (that Joey keeps his legos in) that I tripped on. I took about three stumbled steps (on the tote) before I fell to my tailbone and hit my head on the wall. Paul tried to catch me, but it was such an awkward fall that there was just no catching me...

It scared the crap out of me. I instantly was crying, from both the pain and being scared and my belly started tightening. Luckily, I fell on my back and not on my abdomen so baby is fine, it's just momma that's hurting pretty bad. I instantly felt like I had whip-lash and my back was instantly starting to hurt.

Two days later and I'm still pretty sore. I feel like I've felt in the past after a really bad snowboarding fall or something. I'm definitely going in to see my chiropractor today because I know I am all out of alignment. Sucks, because I just went last week and was feeling so in line!!

I know baby is fine, I'm not having any cramping, spotting or problems with the little guy and he was kicking up a storm last night and this morning. I'm sure he didn't even know what happened.

Joey's room is almost done and thankfully my in-laws are coming today (to stay for a week) so they can help me with the final touches and maybe even help set up the nursery!

Thoughts and fears

I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that my only choice for delivery may be a c-section. The number one thing that matters is that I have a healthy baby boy in my arms, but how he gets here has always been something I took for granted.

I gave birth to Joey completely natural, almost 12 years ago. Even when I was 19, I felt strongly about natural, drug free births and the thought never crossed my mind that I would have to have a c-section. Now, going into this pregnancy the thought never crossed my mind either. From the moment that we started talking about trying to get pregnant, I had talked with my husband about my birthing beliefs. It's so hard for me to accept the possibility and I'm just not sure how to "get over it" and just accept reality. Millions of women go through the surgery method of birth and they recover just fine, as do their babies. I just never thought I might be one of those women.

I'm not going to lie. I'm scared and terrified. I don't want an epidural. It terrifies me to think of someone putting a needle in my already screwed up spine. I don't want to have dr's cut open my abdomen to remove the baby, I want him to come when he's ready and the natural way, so I can hold him and nurse him as soon as possible. I understand that if my condition doesn't get better, it's very dangerous to both me and baby if I was to try a vaginal delivery but I'm just praying that my condition gets better and I don't even have to worry about all of this crap! February 7 can't get here soon enough.

I've gained 12 pounds since the day I tested positive. I'm 21 weeks, 5 days and to me that seems like a lot of weight. I know that it's normal, and I'm going to gain weight but I'm sorry, no matter who you are, weight is weight and it's hard to swallow. I love seeing my growing belly, I just don't love seeing my growing butt. In the mirror it looks the same, but I can tell the difference when I try on certain clothes that fit me just two weeks ago... they are a little tight in the bottom area. My weight gain goal is 25 maybe 30 pounds. I'm hoping that I can stay on track and stay within those numbers especially if I do end up having to have a c-section, since I can't start exercising as soon after delivery.

I think the one thing I love more than anything is not just feeling little Honda move around but having Joey sit with his hand on my belly feeling his brothers little kicks and squirms. It truly is a happy mommy moment and I will never forget it. It's something that you can't ever get back so I'm enjoying every second of it. I'm not trying to hide my belly either, now that it actually looks like a pregnant belly and not just a beer belly and I really can't imagine what it's going to look like in another 12 weeks or even 15 weeks. It already seem so huge to me!!

Babies are a blessing and I am so thankful I am getting to experience all that motherhood brings. I may whine and complain but who doesn't? Deep down, I am thankful, compassionate and so happy to have another baby boy to call my own!