Dear Starbucks Employee..

I haven't been drinking caffeine for some time now, almost 3 months to be exact, and as I have mentioned before... I don't miss it. Occasionally I will get the craving for one of my beloved coffee drinks but I order it in decaf form.

This weekend my husband and his friend ran to Safeway to pick up a few things and asked if I wanted anything from Starbucks. Thought about it and decided that yes, since PSL's are back (Pumpkin Spice Latte) I would gladly take one in decaf.

From the first sip I thought it tasted horrible and hubby advised me that the gal making it seemed confused about what exactly the drink was and he made sure to tell her "DECAF" to which she even wrote the word on the side of the cup. I took another couple of sips and my head started to feel funny. Within 30 minutes my hands were shaking and I knew that the little lady at the Starbucks made my drink with caffeinated espresso. &*#($%&^*#(@*@$%

I threw out the drink and while I could have called them, or gone back in... I really didn't feel like it. I was angry. Not only had the price gone up (a tall was $3.98!!) but it tasted bad, not at all like I remembered and it wasn't made to my liking.

So, Dear Starbucks employee that doesn't know what she's doing, you should be happy I don't have an allergic reaction to caffeine and maybe you should pay more attention to what you are doing. I ordered decaf for an important reason and you screwed that up. I won't be coming back in to that Starbucks for a while...

Has it really been a month already?

I can't believe that I haven't written since September 1. Well, I take that back. I can believe it, I've been busy. Homework, being a mom, a wife and starting a new home business. Things have been great over the past few weeks and they are only going to start getting better.

I'm not looking forward to this Saturday, Joey will be leaving to go visit with his dad for two weeks. It's not that I don't want him to see his dad, because I believe he does need to see him, I just hate that when he comes home he's a different person and we have to draw out his real personality again. This weekend, watching him play football with Paul and swim in the pool only to end the night with cuddling up to me on the couch with a smile, really got to me.  I hope that whatever happens while he is gone doesn't affect that this time and he comes back just as happy as he is when he leaves.

My mid-term for Algebra is coming up soon, in two weeks. I've already started studying and I really want to do well so I can keep my 96% in that class. I'm enjoying my communications class, although at times I feel like I'm in marriage counseling the way it talks about listening and words and body language. I know I am taking a lot from it and here and there I think Paul's even paying attention too.

Joey has started football and has practice every Tues & Thur from 6-8pm. I'm really hoping that it helps to bring him out of his shell, and while I am extremely nervous about the whole thing, I am excited because he is the one who came to us asking if he could play. Major downside is he's missing 7 practices while he is gone visiting his dad and his first game. I'm sure he'll be sitting on the bench for a while when he gets back until he can get his tackling skills caught up to the rest of his team.

That's my rant for today, back to homework and errands...

A little bit of magic

Just two short months ago DH and I decided to have a baby. When the decision was made, I cried, he cried and I immediately stopped taking my BC Pills. I weaned off of caffeine and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. All in hopes of getting pregnant and making a healthy baby.

Last week, Sunday the 19th of September to be exact, I got the urge to take a pregnancy test. My emotions overwhelmed me as I looked down and saw the two pink lines showing me that yes, indeed, we are going to have a baby. I went to my first Dr. appt on September 21 where she did confirm that I am pregnant and calculated a due date of May 29, 2011. I cried some more.

Today, I am 5 weeks, 2 days pregnant and I am happier than I have been in a really long time. We are choosing not to tell anyone for a while, with Joey being the first to find out in a few weeks. Our first ultrasound is scheduled for October 21 and at that point I will be 8 weeks pregnant. We plan on telling Joey sometime that week after he gets home from visiting his dad.

It's killing me inside to not tell anyone, but a part of me kind of likes it. It's a little secret that only Paul and I know and I believe it's really brought us closer together. He is my only source of conversation about the topic so of course I'm rattling his ears with new information every day, (not to mention the mood-swings and daily crying bouts). We'd really love to travel home to California sometime around Thanksgiving so that we can tell everyone in person, just not sure how well that will work out. There is no way I can wait until Christmas...

So far I'm feeling pretty good. I'm walking 2-3 miles 5-6 days a week and am eating even healthier than I was before. Nausea is starting to kick in here and there, mostly in the middle of the night and in the morning. I get huge bouts of energy and then I get extremely tired. I try to rest when I am feeling tired because I know it's my body's way of telling me to do so.

I'm so thrilled that we are going to have a baby, and I really don't care if "it's" a boy or a girl as long as it's healthy.  This morning I weighed in at 121lbs and am still pretty small.... makes me wonder how soon I'll start showing, since this is baby #2, and am hoping I can still hide it until at least Thanksgiving. Otherwise they might just be finding out via Skype.

Solving inequality systems & contemplating whether or not communication is intentional

When I signed up for this fall semester of school I had every intention of taking a full load of classes. I felt that I was ready to take on a huge work-load and thought it would be ok to spend hours upon hours doing homework. I was wrong. On the first day of classes, I dropped 2 of them. The two classes that I would have had to go to campus for and the two classes I was most excited about. I didn't drop them because I'm lazy or just didn't want to take them, (because, duh, I have to take them eventually) but I dropped them because I wanted to be able to focus more on the other two classes.

I struggle with math. Introduction to Algebra over the summer was hard for me, especially since I am basically teaching myself. This semester I am taking the next step up, which is Intermediate Algebra or what I'm thinking is the equivalent to "Algebra 2" that most high school sophomores take. Yes, I was one of them 16 years ago and here I am, 30 years old taking it at the college level. Should be interesting.

While I have always felt I was a good communicator I believe that after reading the first chapter in my Human Communication book, I was wrong. I hope to take a lot from this class, once I get over my fear of speaking about topics I have no clue on. It's another online course, which will consist of discussion board posting, weekly assignments and quizzes and of course, a speech. The speech won't be due until December, but I'm already terrified. Paul tells me that's ok, since one of the biggest known fears among people is, yup, public speaking.

Once October rolls around I will be also taking a Sociology class and possibly my next English class. (barf) I need to get it out-of-the-way, I'm just not ready to have someone pick apart every letter of what I write. I love my blog, it doesn't matter what kind of punctuation I have, I just write.

Life has been really good to us this past month. We have been happier than ever in our marriage and I can really feel us growing as a family. Joey turned 11 and is starting to show mannerisms of a "Pre-teen" and he's growing like a weed. His feet are bigger than mine and I'm just patiently waiting for that next growth spurt. His teacher has been great so far, and Joe seems to like him. He had a minor mishap a few weeks ago, throwing away his homework instead of bringing it home to Paul and I, so of course, to teach him a lesson (because that's what good parents do) we grounded him. It's not like he's had a whole lot taken away, just his freedom to play video games on the weekend and go on the computer. I'm hoping he will soon learn his lesson that it's better to just tell the truth than to try to hide it. I ALWAYS FIND OUT!

I heard a new Zac Brown Band song earlier this week and one of the lines has stuck with me... It's really what we've been telling ourselves the past couple of months and it brought tears to my eyes when I heard it sung...

"Roll the dice and have some faith." -Zac Brown Band/Alan Jackson

This and that.

I haven't had a lot to say really. I've been so busy with life that I haven't made the time to sit and write about things I think of during the day. When I do get the time, I sit and then can't seem to spit it all out.

Life has been treating us so well lately and I've made decisions on things I never thought I would make. I'm excited for the next semester of school to start and although I'm a little bit overwhelmed with the thought of taking 13 credits, I'm more excited than I can even share. Good things are coming our way and I can't wait to share them!

I can not believe that it's already the 2nd week of school and Joey is adjusting nicely. He had a couple of meltdowns over homework but that's to be expected after being out of school for 7 1/2 weeks. I'm sure he will get used to the nightly homework and hopefully will continue being the good student that he is.

I've lost two more pounds which puts me 14 lbs less than I was the day I turned 30. I'm pretty stoked about it, but not so stoked about my clothes not fitting. I'm still not drinking caffeine and I feel amazing. I have so much more energy, not having to rely on something daily to give me that energy. I'm creating the energy within myself and it's rewarding.

Decaffeinated weekend

Today is day five without caffeine and I feel amazing. No headache, no anxiety and none of the other withdrawal symptoms. It's an empowering feeling really, because it is an addiction and I've broken myself of that addiction in less than two weeks. I am in control of my body and it's awesome. And now, while I write this blog, I'm eating vanilla yogurt (80 calories) with 3/4 Cup of fresh blueberries. It's almost as good as eating a bowl of Mint Moose Tracks ice cream. (notice I said almost.)

Our weekend was great. The weather was hot but that didn't stop us from spending time outdoors. On Friday afternoon, we went on a family date to see "Toy Story 3" and out to dinner at Olive Garden. Dinner was delicious and the movie was your typical Disney/Pixar movie. I thought it was good... I cried way too much though. Why do I cry so much when watching movies? Who knows... I've been that way since I was a toddler and it seems to have only gotten worse with my age.

Saturday morning we had to trim a few of our trees. It's nearing the time for monsoons and some of them had some branches that really needed trimming. After a few hours of sweating outside, a run to the dump and a trip to Home Depot, we were able to relax by the pool and hang out. Our friends Jason and Erin came by and we ordered pizza and hung out for the evening.

Sunday, we went to Big Surf water park in Tempe and had a great time. Water slides and 112 degree weather are a perfect match. Unhealthy adults in itty bitty bikinis, not so much a perfect match. We enjoyed people watching, had a corn dog for lunch and stayed almost until closing. That evening, I was reassured once again, how much my boys love me. I have the most thoughtful, caring, intelligent son a mom could ask for and my husband is amazingly caring, adorable and thoughtful.

I really am happy with where my life is and what's to come next. I'm excited for our new journeys and the curveballs life will throw at us. I'm thoroughly in love with my husband with life in general.

It's official.

With all of my hopeful thinking about NOT getting a headache from lack of caffeine... the headache has finally arrived, unwanted. Since today was day seven of my "get rid of caffeine" challenge I changed my measurements to 1/4 caff to 3/4 decaf. I'm paying for it now. I'm going to stay strong though and just power through the headache... I have to.

I've been working on math most of the day. I am just a few assignments away from being done with this class. My final will be next Thursday and I think I'm going to do pretty well on it. Luckily, the instructor is allowing us to have a 3x5 card with whatever formulas we want to have on it. That is going to help me tremendously, because I have definitely learned a lot of material in the past 6 weeks.

It really amazes me what the little things can mean in our lives, whether it's your child looking up at you and saying "I love you, Mom" or your husband tracing your face as he kisses you before work. I am truly blessed and happier now than I have ever been. My family is amazing and I am so happy that I found the love I did. I'm a lucky girl :)

Don't forget to Vote for me!!!

Almost forgot!!

So.... that casting call I went to back in May for Arizona Foothills Magazine.... the voting has started and as of right now, in Round 1, I am sitting in 3rd place! Pretty cool!!

 

I have had so many amazing friends and family members voting for me :) It really shows me who supports me during this contest! Even though the rounds last a loooooong time, it's the ones that are still voting (after 2 weeks) that put a smile on my face! Thank you!!!

Time flies

I was a little amazed when I saw how long it has been since I've written. I didn't realize just how busy we've been over the last month! We took a trip to California, had company for a week and I managed to finish two of my classes with good grades! I honestly don't even know where to begin on catching up... so maybe I'll just skip to the now and keep the last month to myself.

   I am currently 2 days away from being done with week 7 of P90X. It is such an empowering feeling and I I feel like I'm in the best shape of my life! I have more energy, I'm less stressed and best of all, I am at my goal weight. It's amazing what you can do when you just dedicate time to something, become determined and set goals. The next part of my diet is cutting out caffeine. So far, so good on that one. Starting five days ago, I have been making my coffee 1/2 caff. The first couple of days were a little strange. I never got a headache, but I had the shakes really bad and was extremely fatigued. Today, I am feeling fabulous. Two more days and I'll switch to 3/4 decaf 1/4 caff and hopefully by August 1 I will be completely off of caffeine! The sad thing is I have to give up RedBull and Monster (which is ok, because they aren't good for you anyways!)

   Joey starts school two weeks from today. He's going to be in 6th grade and that is really hard for me to believe. It seems like yesterday he was 3, playing around the house with his Buzz Lightyear and Woody toys. Amazing how fast time flies....

   This post wasn't all that great, but hopefully there are better ones to come! I need to make myself write more, since I suck so badly at it (just as my English teacher). I want to practice writing "correctly" and not just babbling whatever comes to mind. Hopefully my English class starting in August can help me achieve that!

   Until the next post... I'm going to go enjoy the heat. Supposed to be 108 today!

My husband & son are my world

I have been looking forward to writing and not getting critiqued all week. Homework has gotten the best of me and I now realize why not everyone has a college degree. It's not easy. I love my classes. They have been great so far, it's just a lot of work. I'm starting to get frustrated in math, as some things aren't making sense. Since I'm such a critical thinker, I constantly ask the question, "why?". Of course Paul tells me, "Just because, that's why. It's math, just learn it and move on." I'm having a hard time accepting that.

I don't know what I would do without him and Joey in my life. They have been my support and strength for the past couple of days. I love them more than I can ever express to them.

Enough about that. This week has gone by super fast and I don't even know where to begin. Saturday night was a blast with our new friends and I think I really do love the sport of arena football! It was so exciting throughout the whole game and the best part was the team we were rooting for (which would be the Rattlers), WON! I can't wait to go to another game. On Wednesday Joey and I went to the movies to see "Killers". It was so cute, not to mention had two of my favorite handsome male actors in it. Ashton Kutcher and Tom Selleck. I'm sure Joey would have rather seen Shrek, but Killers was better than Letters to Juliet right?

I'm no longer blonde. Well, sort of. For the last year and a half my hairdresser has been doing my hair blonde, per my request. This last time I had it done, (in April) I loved it, but have developed a feeling for change. When she first started doing my hair in December 2008, it was pretty dark with just some blonde highlights throughout the top. I loved how it was then and after looking at some old photos decided to go back to that...She came over and did it yesterday and I absolutely LOVE it!

My fingers hurt. From typing and it's time to jump in the pool......

Taking a break.

When I enrolled in my college classes I really didn't know what to expect. I knew there would be a lot of assignments and I'd be taking tests somehow over the internet but really had no idea what I was signing up for. All three of my classes started today, even though I've already been working on homework since last Friday. I'm taking ENG101, PSY101 and MAT092 all through the community college. English and Psychology will be over in the first week of July while Math is lasting until July 20. The workload over the next 5 weeks is insane but nothing I can't accomplish.

I am a very organized and detail oriented person. Paying close attention to making sure everything is "Perfect" aka, a perfectionist or Type A personality. I never really thought of myself this way until going through the hiring process to become a 911 dispatcher back in 2006. After the testing process, polygraph and session with the psychologist I learned a lot about myself.  Personality type being the main thing. I never viewed myself this way until it was pointed out to me, even then I disagreed.  It wasn't until he had pointed out that I had 4.0gpa in highschool that made me realize, he was right.

So far, I've spent the last few days working on all three subjects, getting comfortable with the syllabus and making sure I read the fine print about what each instructor wants. I've turned in a couple of assignments and am on the ball. I'm enjoying it! A lot of work, but it will all pay off in the end.  I feel very confident that I will do well in these courses and am excited for what comes next. I'm already looking into the 2nd summer session to see what other courses I can knock out before the fall. It will be challenging and rewarding all at the same time.

This past weekend was amazing. I not only spent time working on assignments but had a lot of good quality time with Paul & Joey. They are truly the loves of my life and I couldn't ask for anything more. Joey is changing every day and growing up more and more. He's really coming out of his shell and what gets me the most are those moments when he looks at me and says, "Mom, I love you." There is nothing better than a hug and a kiss every night after I read to him. Paul and him were so good to me this weekend, giving me the break I needed. They did the dishes, helped cook dinner and even helped me out with some of the algebra I needed help with.

Next weekend should be a great one too... Joey's teacher (whom I can now be friends with since tomorrow is the last day of school) text'd me yesterday and asked if Paul and I would like to join her and her friend Mike for an arena football game this weekend. Of course! I've never been to one of those, but sounds like fun. Her sister will come over again to "joey-sit" Joe and he's pretty excited. (he really likes her). The summer is already looking like it's going to be a good one. We have a few different things planned and it's all something to look forward to.

Back to work... I have a Chapter test to take for Algebra...

Absent.

I haven't felt like writing much this week. Maybe it's the anticipation that I will be writing a lot over the next four weeks? My English class starts on June 1 and it only goes until July 1. I believe it says there will be 4 or more papers due comprising 4000 words or more? Fun! Not only will I have that, but also my Algebra class and Psychology 101. I've been reading through my books already and I'm getting really antsy and excited for it all to start.

The weather is beautiful. I still don't have the AC on. Yes, it gets up to about 85 in the house, but it's 78 by morning. We can manage, just don't sleep with any clothes on and it's comfortable. Joey only has 3 days of school left. I can't believe my little angel is going to be a 6th grader, so soon.... where has time gone?

I've intensified my workouts this week and I am noticing a difference. I have so much more energy, but my muscles are more sore. I'm also so HUNGRY! I thought that my protein shakes would help, but my goodness today, I just can't satisfy my hunger.

See, I said I don't feel like writing and I don't. This blog was almost a waste of a post? Nah....

Pretty excited!

I never really thought that I would be excited about going to school, but I am. Things are coming along nicely and the more I think of my future, the more excited I get!

Yesterday I went and took the math placement test and scored exactly where I thought I'd score. I hate math but I want to learn. I did pretty well for not doing any algebra for the last 16 years and will be pretty much starting out where I left off at the wise age of 14. My first class is Introduction to Algebra and I'm excited that I have a live in tutor. Paul has already been working with me on basic steps and I'm excited to learn all of the stuff that long ago I thought I'd never need to know.

Today, I went and took my English placement test. I really wasn't sure how I'd score. Of course, having the type A personality that I have, I want to be perfect and do things the best that I can. So, naturally, in my favorite subject I scored the highest I could and can even take the Honors English class if I want to. *Giving myself a pat on the back*

Things are starting to fall into place and I'm excited to start learning again.

As far as other things going on in my life this week, I've dropped 2 more pounds and have started running. Well, jogging I guess. What do you call it when you average a speed of 5.9mph?? Is that running?? I've successfully completed two miles without stopping two nights in a row. On top of my morning workout, adding a run as my evening workout has given me that much more motivation. I love it and it's my addiction!

The summer heat is creeping up on us and I will soon have to turn on the AC. I'm not looking forward to that part of it, because I know that once it's on, it'll be on through the next 3-4 months. We haven't yet hit that 100 degree mark and I am wondering if today will be the day? It's pretty warm out there...

One is sliver and the other's gold...

When you find a friend that you absolutely click with, you keep them. They make you smile at the mere thought of them and the sound of their voice gives you butterflies. A good friend doesn't judge or belittle you, rather gives you support and an open ear when you need it.

My friends are my support. I can count them on one hand. They have never turned their back on me, no matter how I've treated them and they would never make rude comments to me to make themselves feel better. Over the last few years particularly I've spent a lot of time observing people, family members, friends, acquaintances. I'm finding out more and more who is really there for me and who just "says" they are there for me.

Moving to Arizona was a very hard decision. When I was faced with the decision, it came down to two different outcomes. Either, I move to Arizona with my husband and my son and we try to make a new life or I divorce my husband and stay in California working as a 911 Dispatcher. Of course, I chose the first outcome and I am happy with my decision. However hard it has been leaving family and friends behind, the move as a whole was for the better.

Since living here, I have made a couple of new friends, reconnected with old friends and even reconnected with friends from my past. It feels good, and I am happy with where I am at. I do miss my girls though. My girls that leave me feeling good after a chat on the phone, or a good glass of wine. My girls that I could be my complete self around and not worry about them judging me.  Why do we have to be so spread out across the continent and beyond?

Life.

It's all a journey and during the journey we take different paths. Each of the paths I have been down have been in different states. Hawaii, Virginia, California and now Arizona. Each of those places I have met different people kept some while others were lost. I am happy with those that have stayed in my life, and occasionally hurt from those that have been lost.

The point I am trying to make, while rambling all over the place (which is not new for me), is that when you find someone you love and feel a connection with, don't take that for granted. Love them the way they love you, don't ever judge and always be the shoulder to cry on when they need it most. Don't put them down, you'll only end up losing them in the end. Don't make cowardly snipes at them only to feel better for yourself, step back and put someone else's feelings first for once. Maybe then, you'll realize who your true friends are and what they mean to you.

This will forever be the song in my head,

Make new friends, but keep the old... one is sliver and the other's gold.

Quotes

I love quotes. I read them all the time, whether it's on my iPhone or on the web. Some of my favorites always lead back to Marilyn Monroe and I wanted to put a few in my blog to share.

These are just a few of my favorites:

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love."

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them."

"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone."

"Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn't that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you."

Just a few that I read on an almost daily basis. She said it so well!

Living life

Goals in life never get accomplished by talking about them, thinking about them or even dreaming about them. Get out there and do what you love, be who you are and live with no regrets. What's the worst that could happen? You can't live life in fear of rejection, being let down or not winning. Simply applying yourself to something has already made you a winner.

Get out there and life life! Choose to be positive and make healthy choices! I have learned so much by living under these rules. It's definitely paying off in life and love.

Be patient with your loved ones, stand your ground with your friends and don't use words that hurt. I read this quote today and I'm not sure who wrote it or where it came from, but it is so true : "A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you just the way you are." My friends are my support and I turn to them when I need to. I'm so thankful to have them in my life. I choose who I want in my life and so far I've made good choices!

I'm so excited for new things on the horizon, I can't wait to share them!

Comparing colleges

I have finally narrowed it down to a field I'd like to study. This week I am meeting with someone from each of the two colleges that I am looking at and hopefully good will come from it. One definitely is already looking better from my point of view because of the degree being transferable. I am also hoping that after I learn a little more about the program it sparks my interest even more.

I don't have many questions, although I know I should have more. My biggest concerns are:

-Cost??

-Is the Associates Degree going to be transferable to a university so that I can go for my BS?

Pretty much all of my other questions have been answered by the voice on the other end of the telephone or by reading the handy dandy website.

I hoping that as the week progresses I get more excited and I actually can act upon it. I'm not sharing the field until I know it's really what I want. Until then, you'll have to live in suspense!

Choosing to be positive

The months leading up to turning the grand age of 30 were difficult for me. I was feeling old and didn't know where I wanted to go with my life. I was over analyzing everything and constantly trying to discover what I wanted to be when I "grew up". Actually turning 30 was a whole life changing event for me. I chose to be positive and live a healthy lifestyle.

Since February I have learned more about myself while NOT looking then I did during the years of trying to find myself. I have stepped back and let life blossom around me and it feels so amazing. I'm eating differently and trying new things I swore I'd never eat, (still not going to eat fungus though) and working on my cooking abilities. Thank goodness Paul and Joey don't mind a grilled cheese or Turkey BLT when my meal doesn't turn out quite like it should have. I have found that being a mom and wife is definitely my dream job. While I may not be able to be a stay at home mom forever, for the time being it's definitely my calling. I am so happy!

I wake up every day choosing to live positively. I wake up with a smile, work out, have breakfast with Joey all while enjoying life and it's blessings of health and happiness. So many people around me talk about changing their eating habits and exercising more but I've really come to find that talking about it never gets you anywhere. I wish so bad that they could see the happiness I am experiencing and know that if they lost the weight they have been trying to lose for 15 years, they too would be happy.

Joey brought home his 4th quarter progress report last night and I am so proud of him. He has really started to shine towards the end of 5th grade and I think it's only going to get better. I love seeing his face light up as he watches the excitement in my eyes while reading his grades. I am so proud of him and I know that he is progressing so much because of the love that Paul and I give him. It is truly a great feeling.

I'm tossing around some new ideas this week for different pages of my blog. Possibly a food log of new recipes I try or maybe even a detailed menu and workout for others to follow to see the same results I am seeing. Not sure how it will all work out, but it's just a thought I had while vacuuming this morning.

I am so thrilled for the next couple months and the events they hold! So many great things are happening and I know it's because I am making them happen. I am choosing to be positive!

Late night writing. (4-27-10)

Did I do this?

Did I make you this way?

You don't care like you used to and it's killing me inside.

The glare from your eyes wraps around my heart and turns me so cold.

I want to be warm again.

I want you to love again and be free.

How do I get you to be the man you used to be?

The one that cared about me and my feelings?

************

Sometimes I lay awake at night and write. It doesn't always have something to do with what is going on in my life and is mostly just the inside of my head. Feelings of past, present or even feeling what I think friends may be feeling.

Field Trip

Yesterday I had the enjoyment of going on a field trip with Joe's 5th grade class. It was pretty exciting to me as I hardly ever get to go on field trips. I was always working before we moved here and never able to go. It's such a blessing to be a part of Joe's class and have the children recognize me as his mom. I love hanging out with the kids and observing them. Watching their conversations and trying to figure out the differences in personalities. I am really enjoying this age and am starting to think it's becoming my favorite.

We went to the Halle Heart Children's Museum in Tempe. It is funded by the American Heart Association and yes, you guessed it, all about the heart.  I'm not sure if it's open to the public or not, but it was definitely geared towards school age children and organized for a field trip. At every 15 minute interval we would go to a new station and do a new hands on activity or learn a different aspect about eating healthy.

I thought it was great, especially because I have made these lifestyle changes in our home and I am always telling Joe why we exercise and eat healthy. This only helped my case. Now he doesn't think I'm just his "crazy mom". He understands more of why I am always making him eat spinach and strawberries and don't let him drink soda or eat a lot of junk food.

When we got back to the school we walked to the park near by to have lunch. I've definitely realized now that my son has officially grown out of the wanting mom around phase. We sat on the lawn with his friends and when they wanted to get up and go eat on the playground, he went right with him and left me there. Sitting alone!! It was great when I overheard his friend saying "Dude! Joe, your mom is here to have lunch with you and you totally just left her there!". I sat and enjoyed my lunch, listening to the conversations of a group of girls sitting to my left and watching some other kids play tag to my right. It was peaceful, reassuring and  one of the best lunches I've had this year.

I am feeling great. I really do feel that my job as a mom is the best, most rewarding job there could be. I am really enjoying it and taking advantage of every day spent being a stay at home mom, because I really don't know how much longer I'll have. I have also just started week 9 of my new eating habits and exercise regimen. I have lost a total of 10.5 lbs and am down at least 1 size in my clothes. I haven't tried on my wedding dress yet, but I'm almost certain it might fit by week 12. I wish that I could share my inspiration and energy with so many who just can't get there. If only they knew how wonderful I feel....

Clouds in the sky

Today started out as a beautiful day. It was a bit overcast and darker clouds in the distance but I knew it would be perfect for my photo-shoot with Larry Stone. Clouds and mid morning sun always make for great outdoor lighting.

I have to admit that I was a little bit nervous meeting Larry. I knew he would be a nice person since my husband's cousin Stacie introduced me to him but still, meeting new people is always a little bit nerve racking, especially when they are going to be photographing you. From the moment I shook his hand I knew I'd feel comfortable with him. It's such an important part of getting great quality photos too. If you are nervous and tense, it's going to show up in the photos. I was happy that I was able to relax and have a good time.

We met up near the ASU campus because he had a few places picked out that he wanted to use. They worked out perfectly and I felt very natural and it was easy to smile and just be myself, even with a few people giving me strange looks as they walked by. After shooting there for about an hour, we decided to get a little bit different scenery so we drove up the road a little bit to that mountain I believe they call "A Mountain". I've been wanting to hike that trail for some time, just never knew I'd be doing it in 4 inch wedge heels....

After a few pictures with some old train tracks, I opted to change my outfit for the third time and throw on some torn up jeans. My favorite pair of jeans. I did forget to bring some different shoes, so yes, I kicked off my heels in the desert landscape and didn't care that I had thorns poking me. I felt at ease and so comfortable and I hope it really shines through in the photos.

I am so thankful for the journey that life is giving me and am so happy that I'm not on the journey alone. This is all just a part of me finding out who I am.

I have the courage

"All of our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." -Walt Disney

I absolutely love the above quote. It's so true for so many. No one ever accomplished anything by sitting on the couch talking about "it". The past few days were busy, again. I like it that way. Life is happier.

Yesterday I was very fortunate to work on the set of a Sheraton Commercial Shoot. I don't believe the commercial will be on TV, it's more of a business to business reel that will most likely be private. While it was an extremely long day, (13.5hrs) I am NOT complaining. I met some really great people, made some new connections and of course got to be on camera! For anyone that has read my blog from the beginning you know what that means to me.

Last week I was reminded of how much I love being a stay at home mom. Sometimes I get busy and forget all that it means to be able to stay home and take care of my family. Joey is overall a pretty healthy child. With the exception of asthma, getting H1N1 last November and having a few "digestive" issues, he's very healthy. I haven't ever received a call from the school and when I heard the phone ring and saw that the caller ID said "Public Sch", I knew there had to be something wrong. Of course there was. Joey had slipped in the bathroom on his way back to class after brushing his teeth after lunch (he has braces and I MAKE him do that). After a few hours at the hospital we left with crutches and a knee brace. Luckily it was only a very bad sprain. That was Monday.

Friday, as I'm cleaning the house and going about my daily duties, the phone rings again and it was the school, AGAIN! What now? The nurse advised me that Joe was in her office and having trouble breathing, and needed his inhaler. I grabbed his inhaler and went to the school. He looked as though he had been rolling around in the grass and of course since he's allergic, that is going to set off his asthma.

After these two instances, I started thinking about what would have happened if I was working. Who would take care of him? What if I couldn't get off of work? What if Paul couldn't get off of work? At that moment, I smiled and let my husband know how thankful I am that I stay home. It's worth it.

I'm going to continue pursuing what I want in life and all the while I am going to smile and enjoy the little things.

Positive vibe

I feel as though I am a pretty positive thinker. Yes, I will complain about certain aspects of life but who doesn't? I don't feel that I complain about everything and anything and I really do try to look at the positive things in life. Life can be so short and I want to live mine to the fullest and have the best memories possible.

I used to be a pretty negative thinker. Always thinking the "glass was half empty" and thinking the worst. This would most likely be the result of a series of events in my life that were negative. When good things don't happen to you it tends to bring you down and you start thinking you don't deserve any better. Even as a dispatcher I continued to think the glass was half empty. Of course I did, because I was surrounded constantly 50-60 hours a week by negativity. It's not very often the person on the other end of the line is calling to just say "Thank you".

It has taken me a while, but I believe that I finally can say "The glass is half full". I'm always seeking out the positive in everything and every situation  and have said goodbye to friends that couldn't keep up with my beliefs. It's hard when you are trying to be optimistic and positive and someone around you is constantly complaining and or telling what you should or shouldn't be doing.

This is my life and I am loving every bit of it. I'm learning to deal with emotional rollercoasters that being a woman sends me on, eating differently so that I'm not only putting bad into my body (minus the glass of champagne or the beer at my favorite brewery), and I am exercising on a regular basis.  It's amazing what those small changes have done for me in just a short amount of time.

I am down 6.5 lbs since March 1 and I feel amazing, strong, beautiful, confident and most of all, myself. It's almost as if my morning workout routine is as much an addiction as my cup of coffee. I crave it when I wake up and it leaves me feeling energized for the rest of the day. I just wish that I could spread that energy to those close to me.

I am going to continue thinking positive, playing positive and making good things come alive in my life! This is still MY year!

Spring is here.

The shades of green, birds chirping and ducklings on the lake are all signs that spring is officially here. I've always thought that summer was my favorite season of the year, but lately, I'm starting to think it's spring.

Winter was so long this year. It was cold and it rained a lot. For unknown reasons I really dislike winter. It does horrid things with my moods and my skin and causes me to want to curl up in a hole and hibernate. It's almost like I did. Everyday I would spend a bit of time laying on the couch reading or playing on Facebook, watching a movie or taking a nap. I didn't want to go outside, I wanted to stay bundled up in my lambie.

Now that the weather is warmer and I can wear next to nothing in my backyard, I can't get enough of the outdoors. I'm up at 5:30am every day, working out at 6 and ready to conquer the day. It's been so hard for me to want to sit at my desk in the office and play on the computer. I'm restless and need to be doing something. Something productive. I guess I have traded naps and bundling up inside for laying out poolside in my bikini iPhone in hand. Listening to music and playing on Twitter or Facebook while I soak up a few minutes of Vitamin A & Vitamin D.

I am happy. Extremely happy and wouldn't change a thing if I could. I'm not going to say I'll write every day, but I am trying to write more. I have so many ideas and topics I want to write about, I just can't get myself to sit down and do it! Maybe I should bring my laptop outside with me while laying in the sun...

Where did the last three weeks go?

I am amazed when I sit back and think about how quickly the last few weeks went. So many exciting things happened that I can't even write about them all. It almost feels like a blur. As I look through photos, I smile and know that each of those memories holds a special place in my heart. From our roadtrip to San Diego to my husband's parents visiting for a week. As soon as they left, my cousin Audrey came to visit and we spent time in the sun, hiked, rode bikes, went for evening walks and laughed about nonsense.

It is now Thursday April 8 and I'm taking a deep breath. Getting my life back in order and out of "vacation mode". On a job hunt, gearing up for summer and helping Joey through his last couple months of 5th grade.

I am excited to say that tomorrow I get to be a part of a production that has come to Phoenix. It's once again a very good feeling to know you were handpicked from a group of people to be a part of a group of people. Always ego boosting and helps with the self confidence.

I will be writing more. Just not sure what I'll be writing about....

3.14.10

Today was our 2nd wedding anniversary. It was a beautiful day with the two loves of my life. My husband and my son. The memories will forever hold a spot in my heart....

I love my life.

a little bit of everything

It's been a week since I have changed my eating habits and started a new exercise regime. So far, so good. That addicted feeling I once had has returned again and I go to bed excited to wake up early the next morning to work out. It also helps that I have dropped 2.5 lbs in 7 days. On my way to those shorts that just didn't fit anymore.

It's amazing to me what you see in people when you take a step back and look at them from a different perspective. Whether it be someone you have known for a long time, short time, don't really know at all or someone who is a family member. I am a people watcher. I love to observe actions, tone of voice, body language and everything else that goes along with our everyday conversations. Most of the time when watching ones actions or listening to what they have to say, it reminds me of truly how blessed I am.

That old saying that our parents and teachers always repeated, "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all" comes to mind when I'm thinking of watching people. So many of us say and do things that we really don't mean in hopes that we can overpower the other person or be in control. I've really learned over the last 10 years to not take things to heart when coming from mindless people. I really don't take many things to heart anymore, unless they are coming from within myself.  I suppose people only talk bad about others or talk down to them in hopes that they will feel better about themselves, when really, they are the ones with the problem.

I'm continuing on my journey of ridding the negative from my life and moving on with only the good, positive thinking people. In doing this, it has been empowering. It becomes clearer and clearer each day who my true friends and family are. Those that love me unconditionally and would never speak (or type) a word to intentionally hurt me or belittle me.

With that said, I love my life and the journey that I am on.

Integrity

In December of 2006 I had my oral board with the sheriff's office for the job I was trying to attain. It was nothing new to me, I had been to several other police officer oral boards and knew exactly what to expect. During that 30 minute interview I was asked a question that at that time I didn't realize would stick with me forever. The question was, "What does the word integrity mean to you?"

I felt that I had done pretty well in my oral board up until this point and when that question was asked, I froze."Integrity? What the heck does that mean? Crap. Bullshit your way through this one Rene" were all thoughts that were racing through my mind. I couldn't tell you today what it was I answered with but apparently it was good enough to hire me. Two long months later I started the very difficult dispatcher training program where I was constantly reminded of what the word meant.

Over the last couple of years I have come to find myself reciting that word and thinking over in my head exactly what it means to me. It has become part of my daily routine. The dictionary defines the word as follows:

in-teg-ri-ty (n) - Adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

I would have to say that my definition of the word is pretty much the same. I see it as being your self worth and knowing that at the end of the day you can sleep in peace without feeling guilt. I see today in society that very few people actually have any integrity at all. I can admit that there have been nights I was uneasy and didn't sleep because of something I said or did on the preceding day; but I always find my way back to my foundation that is built on morals and ethics.

Where do we learn to act with utmost integrity? Is it from our parents? Our school teachers? Peers? Is what we see on TV causing us to make the wrong decisions or are we making them within ourselves?  It is something that is self taught and has to be worked on inside yourself. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. I am a strong believer that when mistakes are made, we learn from them and move on.  It is sad to me when I see people choosing a path of mistakes without thinking of the consequences that may follow. Do they have integrity? What does that say about their character when they clearly know what the outcome may be yet they still walk, or even run down that path.

What would our communities, country or even world be like if every single person had integrity? Would there be no crime? It's obvious that criminals don't have integrity or they wouldn't rob that man on the corner waiting for the light to change, or hold someone at gunpoint until given their belongings. Women and men alike wouldn't be raped or killed and children wouldn't be kidnapped. Drug dealers wouldn't solely base their income on creating or growing illegal drugs and that man in the military wouldn't constantly get away with one affair after another.

I know people who have integrity and I know some that don't. Unfortunately some of those people are close to me and I watch as they make mistakes, biting my tongue because I too have been in their shoes and chosen the wrong path. I can't tell them what they are doing wrong because that would make me a hypocrite, but I can voice my opinions in hopes that they will hear me. I can talk about self worth and what it means to me and my family. We have all made bad decisions in life and most of us learn from them.

Integrity has often been described as who you are when no one is watching. Thinking that you won't ever get caught and that it's "ok" to continue with those activities. In my generation I have been introduced to many who believe in that and I too am personally working with my own demons. I believe that being aware of the situation is the first step to getting your self worth back. I hope and pray that someday I can proudly say that I am completely and 100% surrounded by friends and family with the utmost integrity.

fine dining with 5th graders

Being a stay at home parent I try to volunteer in Joey's classroom as much as possible. I have had to work in the past and was never able to be a part of his weekly activities or be "in the know" with the students and teachers. I have had quite a few fun experiences while helping with lessons in the class or tagging along for different functions the school was holding. I always seem to run into the same problem though.

I am young, yes, but I know that I am not the only young mom out there. It's as though the minute I walk in to a function with a smile on my face I can feel the glares and see the snickering between one another. I'm always friendly and polite when first arriving. Today, I had that same experience that I've become all too familiar with.

I wasn't sure what exactly I had volunteered for but I knew that whatever it was, I was going to try my best to "fit in" and possibly meet some other moms. All the while, spending time with my son during his lunch break. The teacher had emailed me yesterday with what time to show up and advised that when I got there to go straight to the cafeteria and the class would meet me there.  I got dressed up in a nice skirt and cute fitted tee (since Joey told me I had to "dress up") and headed to the school. As I was walking down the hallway with a smile I was starting to feel like I was late or that I didn't fit in. Everyone knew each other and were huddled in little groups, they were all wearing matching chef's hats and had clearly known each other for a while.  There was an older man and a woman standing at the entrance to the cafeteria who I approached and told them why I was there and asked them what I could be doing to help. They told me to just go inside and wait for the class to arrive.  Inside I was surrounded by once again several moms who clearly knew each other and as I walked by with a smile, they just kind of gave me that "look". I don't know what to call that look, but it's the one of "as soon as she walks by we are going to say something about her behind her back".

I found Joey's class table and decided I would wait there. Hopefully staying out of everyone's way and asking if I could help if someone made them self approachable. I had set my purse down close by on a step, I saw other purses so I figured that is where everyone else was putting their purse. I put mine out of the way, not next to anyone else's. It wasn't but a minute later and a group of mom's walked by and sat down on the steps knocking over my purse and not even attempting to pick it up. They just sat there around my purse as if it didn't even exist. I thought to myself for a moment  and just politely walked over, picked up my purse and set it down a few feet from them. Of course I did this all with a smile and the thoughts of "oh I'm sorry, am I in your way?" in my head.

Decided not to let that wipe the smile off of my face and walked back to the table. I was standing about a foot away from it in a 5 ft wide walk way. Not moving. Just standing still. WHAM! This lady bumps into me from behind and knocks me forward a bit, I turned my head (with a smile yes) and she just looked at me like "get out of the way" and kept walking. Really? Am I that invisible?

I could not wait until the class came in. At least then I'd have Joey's teacher to chat with and talk to and I already know the kids like me. The tables were all decorated as if it was a fancy restaurant and the man that I first spoke to was the host that was seating them all. Luckily I got to sit at Joey's table, right next to him. I wasn't sure that he was thrilled about it but I was. I had no idea that I was going to be served lunch and wasn't able to participate really, because of my calorie counting. Eating 2 chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes and a brownie washed down with chocolate milk wasn't exactly on my daily menu.

It was really interesting to sit and watch a table full of 10 fifth graders communicate with one another. It completely got my mind off of the other moms and I realized why I was there in the first place. It wasn't for me to make new friends or try to fit in with the other parents, it was for me to help out with Joey's class and be a part of his day. I did get to visit with his teacher some more and can't wait until we can actually "be friends" and hang out when the school year is over.  The conversations between the girls and the boys were priceless and it brought back so many memories of being that age.

I've decided from here on out when I volunteer for something I'm not going to let the looks and snickering of the other moms get to me.  I'm there for Joey. Not for me.  If the other moms don't want to be friendly to me, then it's their loss, not mine.

Calorie Counting

I have never been one to diet. Ever. I never needed to. Forgive me if you think I am bragging, but I have always had a fast metabolism and could eat whatever I wanted to without having to work out. I have always been an active person, whether it be going to the gym, rollerblading or extreme sports and have found that as I'm getting older the bragging rights to the previous statement are diminishing. I am not overweight and my husband thinks that I look good but when I look in the mirror at myself I am not satisfied. It's the "type A personality" coming out in me.

My clothes still fit and I only wear one size bigger than I wore in highschool (which was 12 years ago). Since them, I have had a child, gone through a divorce, moved from Va to Ca and Ca to Az, gotten married, went through extensive training for dispatch, all while maintaining a pretty healthy figure. Numbers shouldn't matter to me, but they do. I know what weight I am at when I feel my best and I know what the scale has been telling me every day for the last two weeks. I'm sure that a week of going out on nightly dates with Paul is where those extra 3 pounds came from.

My goal isn't to be "skinny" but to be able to look in the mirror and think, "damn, I'm hot!" I want a certain pair of Guess jean shorts to fit again and I want to be able to fit into my wedding dress. It will be two years on March 14 since I've worn it and it fit me perfectly.

Is it because I turned 30 or is that all in my head. I can swear I've seen a difference in my body over the past few months and can't help but blame it on getting older. Is it the BC pill I've been taking for 5 years? What is it that has caused my metabolism to slow down? Thinking about all of these reasons is what got me thinking I wanted to start keeping track of what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising and actually use a calorie budget. There is a great app for my iPhone that I have downloaded and am using called Lose It. I recorded my current weight (which is 130) and my goal weight (which is 120-123). Once recorded, it allows me to choose how many pounds I want to lose a week and over what period of time I want to lose it in. Based on me choosing a pound and a half a week the application has projected that with a calorie budget of 1176 a day, I will lose all of that weight by April 5, 2010.

Ready. Set. Go.

I am on day 3 and feel amazing. I have been getting up and working out at 6 am instead of putting it off until mid morning. I have had more energy and am happier. Counting calories has made me more aware of portion sizes and makes me double think getting a frappacino just so that I can have a little scoop of ice cream instead. Paul, Joey & I have also started walking after dinner again. It's great exercise and awesome couple/family time.  It allows me to talk to Paul without the interruptions of phone calls, text messages, twitter, homework, and whatever else goes on while we are at home, all while burning calories!

Time to go swimsuit shopping...

Random

I like bleu cheese. Only in small amounts though and only on top of steak, a burger or my salad. Ok, now I'm hungry.

Both of my dad's parents died from smoking when I was younger. I hate smoking. I dislike the smell of cigarette smoke and I think it's a disgusting habit. I would be lying if I said I have never tried it though. Younger years.

Proud member of the NRA and I own more than one gun...

If I had to think of just one Kool-Aid flavor that is my favorite it'd have to be black cherry. Haven't had Kool-Aid in years.

I don't generally get nervous before doctor appointments. They don't bother me. I dislike those lovely yearly "female" appointments but it's nothing that makes me nervous.

Regarding hotdogs... Nathan's are the best. Every once in a while (mostly in the summer) I do crave a good wiener, bbq'd.

I drink Coffee. Every morning. I don't care how it comes as long as it's good coffee.

I can do pushups and I do them daily. Pull-ups however....

My favorite piece of jewelry is my rock that I wear on my left hand ring finger.

My favorite hobby is riding my dirtbike. I think that's my favorite. At least for now it is.

I have a little bit of that diagnosis called "OCD".

I am blind without my contacts/glasses.

3 thoughts I have right now :

1. Is anyone even reading this?

2. Today is my husband's 33rd birthday

3.  I am really, really, really hungry.

Unfortunately I worry about a few things. Some of those that I don't wish to discuss. I guess right now, in this minute, I'm worried about my husband. He's not having the greatest day at work and it's his birthday. I feel badly that they treat him so badly there and I hope and pray every day that one of these new jobs he's applying for works out for the better for us.

I believe that hate is a strong word and it's overly used. When I say "I hate RC", I say it with passion and I absolutely 100% mean it.

I would like to go to Hawaii and live there again. Forever.

I own two pairs of slippers. One brown pair and one leopard print pair.

I love sleeping on satin sheets. ....but would rather not "sleep" on them

I can whistle and sometimes I do it subconsciously

If I could just jump into any career right now, I would be a Criminal Psychologist

I never stop believing. (or singing the song.... it's always the song in my head)

Paul makes me laugh. Often.  He's goofy like that

I drive a GMC Yukon and she's my baby with wheels.

The worst injury I have ever gotten would have to be the concussion I got a year ago from taking a header off of my dirtbike. Yeah, as Paul says "If you don't crash, you aren't going fast enough".... apparently I was going fast enough.

I love the beach.

His birthday

My husband's 33rd birthday is on Tuesday. No, I have not bought him a card yet. It's not like me to wait until the last minute, but I am forcing myself to do so this year. I will go shopping today I'm sure.

Every year since 2006 I have planned something for his birthday, whether it be some big surprise present or a surprise dinner with friends. Every year. Not this year. I am refusing to plan something because just as he told me on my birthday, "It's just another day".

I'm not one who is normally vindictive, but in this case I guess you could say I am. Eye for an eye. Childish, yes. Standing my ground, being stubborn and making sure someone understands my pain is the path I'm choosing for this particular situation.

tattoos, teachers & a Guinness

Let me just start by saying it's a good thing I didn't write yesterday, or the day before, or even the day before that. Would have had major word vomit and probably regretted writing everything I did. The days that went by and the things that happened were all too familiar yet at the same time very confusing.

While Joey was with his dad, Paul and I decided to try out a different place each night while he was gone so that when do actually get a "date night" we would know where we wanted to go. I don't think we were disappointed at all in any of our choices and liked one of them so much we went back for a second dose. That second dose proved to be a very fun night.

Teachers have lives too. I have friends that are teachers, but, they are not my son's teacher. It's a job, their job and that is what they went to school and chose to be. All of these thoughts are going through my head as I am trying to figure out if there is some unspoken rule about fraternizing with your child's teacher.

I've always like Joey's teacher, ever since we first went to met her last July. She's young, strict, great with the kids and she has one of my favorite reptiles in her classroom. Her little sister is even going to babysit for us in the near future. I have talked to her a few times when working in the class but always as "my child's teacher". While we were out having drinks for happy hour on Friday night, I heard a familiar voice meeting up with the guy sitting next to me. I turned around and it was Joey's teacher! Long story short (I'm leaving out all of the OTHER details for now) we hung out all night and had a blast. Talked, got to know one another and it left me going home with a smile. She even got me to drink a Guinness with her. That's a big deal since last year I stopped drinking beer as part of my diet...

Saturday night we went to a bar/restaurant that we hadn't ever been to and it wasn't even close by our house. Different part of town, and we thought we'd check it out.  We walked in and made our way to the pool tables only to find Joey's teacher once again. It was a bit awkward but also exciting. Are we supposed to be hanging out or something? Was it just a totally random coincidence or is someone trying to tell me something.

Among the random run-ins with Joey's teacher, I finally got my tattoo on my wrist touched up and added to, got a free coffee at Starbucks for just being nice to the guy, had amazing sushi with our friend Ryan, met another couple that we hit it off with and even exchanged phone numbers with, laughed about the stupid silly stories that RC told us and were happy to have Joey back in our care. Was a good weekend despite the scum that was staying just a few miles away.

This post was a little all over the place, but which post isn't? That's how I'm thinking lately. My mind goes 100 miles a minute and just getting it out helps me to sort it out later. There is so much more that I want to elaborate on but I just can't. Not sure if it's right or even my place. Maybe as the week goes on I'll word vomit a bit.

The sun is calling my name

I'm sitting here today at my desk trying to relax. I have had a roller coaster of a week and I'm trying to find my happy place. Paul is at work, Joey is at school, the cats are sleeping and I've just finished my daily coffee.  My house is cleaned and the laundry is done so today is my day. I am certain that after I write I'm going to go sit in my backyard, in the sun, next to the pool with the latest book I'm reading.

Last weekend was good. We ended up going to Yuma for a relaxing visit with our friends. We rode our dirtbikes for most of the day on Saturday and then enjoyed a delicious sushi dinner at Ah So that night. Sunday morning we got up and went to coffee, grabbed some breakfast burritos and went to a beautiful park that was nestled right up against the Colorado River. Very nice relaxing day that reminded me of my childhood. Growing up, my family often went to a park and played in the warm sun.

Joey didn't have school on Monday and he treated me to a movie date. Originally we were going to see "The Tooth Fairy" (not my choice) but it was sold out. (Thank goodness!) I really wanted to see the movie "Valentine's Day" so he decided that we could watch that one. I believe he regretted that decision later. He said he really didn't like it because it was too mushy. I, on the other hand, loved it. It had a great meaning and not to mention a great cast of actors.

Tuesday.  My least favorite day of this week. I've known for a while now that RC would be coming here to visit with Joey. He's going to be going to Afghanistan in March and said he wanted to see Joey before he goes. I really didn't want Joey missing school so I told him that he would have to come here if he wanted to see him and that Joey would still have to go to school while he is here. When he showed up at the house Joey was very excited to get to see him. He was ready to get out the door and I believe that it's because he didn't really want his dad and I in the same room for very long. He doesn't quite understand that we won't fight in front of him anymore. Yes, we fight on the phone but Joey doesn't know that. I can bite my tongue and be cordial with him, to an extent.

He makes my skin crawl. Not in a good way either. The things he put me through during our marriage were horrible and I will probably never forget them. I am so fortunate to have found a man now that would never even dream of doing the things that RC did. He is remarried and I feel so sorry for his new wife. She probably doesn't even really know who he is, yet and I hope that someday she learns. I wonder if she knows that he is  here and not wearing his wedding ring? Really, some people never change.

It's been really difficult for me to step aside and let someone else take over my responsibilities. Normally when Joey sees his dad he flies to wherever his dad is living and stays for about 2 weeks. This time, since his dad is here, he is the one taking Joey to school and picking him up. I wonder if he makes sure he brushes his teeth and puts his deodorant on before school? Did he make sure Joey has a snack? A good breakfast? It would be easy for me to trust Paul with those morning tasks, but RC? Again, biting my tongue.

The last two nights Paul and I have gone out to a new restaurant/bar. It's been a very fun experience and we've had a lot of good laughs and conversations. It was some much needed couple time and I can't wait to have a little more over the next few nights! It is very therapeutic.

It's almost noon and I can hear the ducks on the lake in the backyard. I think that's my sign to go outside and relax, enjoy the sun on my face and think of all the good things to come. I love springtime weather in Arizona.

Yes, I love guns

Every Thursday night we go to the range that we are members at so that Joey can shoot. We registered him in a Marksmanship program put on through both the NRA and the range. We just started going three weeks ago and already he really likes it. He's learning different positions to shoot in, getting great target practice and he will even be learning to clean the gun when he's finished. Its a great way to build discipline and gun safety in our home. Last night he received his first award for "Pro Marksman" and I am so proud of him! I think that it is just the beginning and he's going to go far with his shooting someday. He'll be able to be a part of this program until he's an adult. Not only will he gain skill but also responsibility and patience.

I really don't know what is going on for this weekend. So many different ideas have been tossed around and I'm beginning to think one of two things. Either, 1. There is no planning involved and it's going to be a cluster of a weekend; or 2. Paul is planning something for Valentine's day and is trying to keep it hush hush. It would be odd if he does plan something because he hates Valentine's Day. He believes it isn't even a holiday and we shouldn't need a designated day to say "I Love You". I both agree and disagree with  his beliefs but I am not going to get into that.

It's amazing that I have already been up for 3 hours and have finished two loads of laundry, paid bills, harvested crops and drank my coffee. Hard to believe that I actually wrote in my blog two days in a row. Now that all of that is done, I guess it's time to work out and get on with my day.

30.

Yesterday I turned the fabulous age of 30. I was nervous, excited, scared, anxious, and pretty much every other feeling in the book. It wasn't so much that I thought I was going to be struck by lightning or it was going to hurt or something, I was just having personal and emotional feelings about actually "turning 30".

I'm young. I never have once thought (yet) that I am old. I feel old sometimes, but that comes with the recipe. I got married the first time at the very young age of 18. My son was born when I was 19 and that really made me grow up. Probably too fast for a 19 year old. I've held several different types of jobs, and have lived in four states since the age of 18. I've been through a lot and most of it wasn't pleasant.

I wakeboard, snowboard, ride dirt-bikes and play laser tag with my son and husband. I hope to still be doing those things when I'm 50. I believe it's those activities that are keeping me young, even though they make my body ache as though I'm 60. I have a few "lines" on my forehead but that just shows that I've lived life.

Accepting the fact that I turned 30 and don't yet know exactly what I want to be when I grow up is something I'm starting to be ok with. I've narrowed it down to a few ideas and that is far better than having no clue at all. I have goals. I do. I don't tell people what those goals are because when I do that I usually end up failing.  I love being a "Domestic Engineer" but I know that in just 7 more school years Joey will be graduating from high school and off to college. Then what? I know that I will have to have something that is my own. Something I worked hard for and something I enjoy doing. Thinking about the possibilities of the next few years makes me giggle inside with anticipation.

Though I had a birthday yesterday and received many nice cards and gifts from family and friends I still did not receive a gift from my dear husband. Why? I am still unsure of that. The only time he has given me a gift for my birthday was in 2006. The first birthday of mine that we were dating. He took Joey and I snowboarding in Tahoe for the first time and it was wonderful.  I'm not really sure why he doesn't buy me gifts for my birthday. I don't know if I am being too materialistic? I really don't care how much he spends on the gift, whether it be $10 or $300, I just care that some thought went into getting his wife a present to open on her birthday. Is it really so wrong of me to wish that I could get a present from my husband? He did take the day off of work yesterday to spend it with me, and I do appreciate that. Its not often that he takes time off of work and it means a lot that he did it for me. I am just trying to process and figure out how to just accept that as my gift. Why can't I do that? Is it because he buys his brother and mom and dad gifts on their birthdays? He loves to accept gifts from his parents and brother, so why does he feel I am not deserving of a small gift? I just don't get it and I'm not sure I ever will.

Aside from my husband not giving me a gift, I did receive some other really nice gifts on my birthday that were really not even necessary! It's so nice to know that I have family and friends that care for me and want to spoil me! Makes me smile to know that even when the hubby might not show up to play, my friends and family do.

I am 30 now. I have a new outlook on life and love and dreams. I can't wait to experience all that comes next.

Friends

What is a friendship? Is it the same as any relationship? We often use the term, but really what does it mean? Is there a difference between an acquaintance and a friend? A companion and a spouse? Soul mate?

Wikipedia says, "Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between two people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis.  Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other. The practical execution of friendship is little more than the trust that someone will not harm them"

I would describe myself as one that has always had a lot of friends. I was always surrounded by people that I called "friends", but as I got older I started to learn what a friend really is. When I would talk about friends, my dad would always say, "They aren't friends, they are acquaintances." I'd argue with him and then walk away. I know now what he meant by that.

Over the past few years I've really discovered who my friends are. The people that I have a connection with and carry on a relationship with. Since getting divorced in 2004, I have learned a lot about trust. I've had my heart broken by both men and women and I've learned from each of those instances. Sadly, it continues today. Just when you think you are really close to someone, you've known them for a number of years,  they close you out. They don't come to you to talk, they don't call unless they need something and they most likely talk behind your back. For me, discovering that this person is not a friend, is empowering. I've learned to set that relationship aside and know that the connection that I thought was there no longer exists.  However, with my personality, it's not that easy to just let it go.

I miss my friend. I miss hanging out and laughing. I wonder if they miss it too? Does it hurt them the way it hurts me, or do they really not even care. Did I care too much? Did I invest too much of my self worth into a relationship that really wasn't going to last forever?

Personally, for me, having my son and husband is the greatest friendship there is. They truly can be trusted with my heart. The number of friends that I can say that about is very small and they know who they are. They don't need to be told and I don't need to be told that they feel the same. I am working on accepting that and moving on from the dysfunctional relationships that I have tried to hold on to. As I get older I find that having less friends is better. Just as most things in life, I'm trying to keep it simple.

I am no longer going to try to fix something so broken. I am going to focus on the relationships that do mean something and do show me the same respect.

Time flies

So many things going on, I can't believe that it's already February! January flew by so fast. Every weekend seemed to be filled with something exciting and it really reminded me of 4 years ago when Paul and I had first started "really" dating. We were always planning something fun to do on the weekends and always had something to look forward to. I am happy that he has been taking more time to spend with us at home and not so much time at work. It really has been helping.

This past weekend we went to Yuma again to visit with our friends Jason, Erin & their son Taylor. It was a blast. We got there Friday night and met up with them as they were finishing their dinner at Applebee's. When they were done, we stopped at the grocery store, picked up a bottle of wine and headed back to their place to hang out and visit. We knew that we'd be getting up the next day to go riding and had a lot to do before that could happen. Jason was still working on getting Erin's bike running so she could ride with us and he also needed to fix a few things on his bike.

Saturday morning, Erin and I got up and took the kids with us to go to Starbucks while Paul and Jason worked on the bikes. It was fun. I really enjoy hanging out with Erin and the more and more I talk with her and spend time with her, the more I find we have in common. It's always fun to hang out with people you can relate to on so many levels. We had so many great talks about careers and children and the husbands that it really left me with a smile on my face.

After riding all afternoon we decided to get cleaned up and go to dinner at "Ah So Sushi & Steak". Wow. That is definitely my new favorite restaurant. I had some of the best sushi that I have ever had before and the teppanyaki was excellent! So much better than Benihana's! I am really sad that the closest one to our house is about 45 minutes away. It was a great night that was filled with so many new memories. Getting pulled over on our way home, watching the crop duster and getting stopped by the train (that lasted forever). I can definitely say that I slept well that night.

Sunday we woke up and hung around the house for a while, watched the race on tv and then grabbed lunch on our way back out to the Foothills for some more riding. We got out there and set up a nice little camp.

Sunday was a good day of riding. I did crash though and it scared the crap out of me. The good thing is I didn't get hurt. Paul, Joey and I had taken off to do a bit of trail riding back through some little ravines. I was leading, Joey was behind me and Paul was in the back. I was having a blast, picking different routes to take and trying new things that would have scared me in the past. I came up a hill and not knowing what was on the other side had to think quickly and take a path. The one I chose was pretty steep and I wasn't quite ready for it. I thought I had been in 2nd gear but was in 3rd and was going way too fast down the hill for my comfort level. There was a hard right turn at the bottom and I just couldn't make it in time, went up the side of the wall and hit the throttle. Not really a good idea, but it is what it is. I launched my bike and decided that letting go of it would be a smart idea. It flew through the air and landed a few feet from me. I only tumbled a little bit and landed next to my bike. Not really sure what had happened at first, I jumped up and picked up my bike right as Paul was riding up to me asking if I was ok. "I jumped up and yelled "I'm alright! l let go of my bike!". (Something I learned the night before was a good idea after watching Ryan Dungey do the same thing during the supercross race at San Fran). My pants were full of sand, my shirt, my goggles and one of my gloves even came off. It was quite the crash, but I learned a lot from it and thankfully I'm not hurt. My handlebars were pretty bent, but they've already been fixed.

When we got back to our trucks, I wanted to practice jumping again. I had started to earlier in the day and was determined to get it down. I may not be getting too much air or too much distance, but I'm jumping. Now that I have the feel for it, I can conquer bigger jumps!

After riding all day Sunday (and crashing) I was exhausted. I was sore (still am) and hurting all over. It was a great day though and I can't wait to do it again. Not only was the weekend good, but the drive to and from Yuma was great too. Paul and I had some very long talks about life and career choices for me. The first step I'm going to take is to go and see a college advisor at the community college. I am thinking that at least starting on some of my GE classes will help me start into the right direction. I think I've pretty much narrowed it down to three different choices and hopefully once I talk to an advisor it might help me start out in the right direction. I feel good going into February and I'm starting to feel good about turning 30.

It's Friday.

So, that day that so many people look forward to all week long, is here again. It's just like any other day to me really. I work 7 days a week remember? The cooking, cleaning and laundry never ends... The only days that are different are Saturday & Sunday on which Joey is home from school and some of the time Paul is home from work. I think that sometime when I was working crazy shifts and days my weeks got screwed up and they haven't been the same since. At one point, Friday was my Monday.

I don't have a whole lot to say this morning. I thought I did, but now as I type I'm all over the place. Hopefully this weekend is a good one. There will be lots of good company and riding. I can't wait to ride. Something about the feeling of getting all geared up and hopping on my bike to take off through the desert really keeps me at peace. I am responsible for my actions, one bad turn or a jump I wasn't ready for can really take me down. I can go fast, or I can go slow. I love it and can't wait to ride.

I felt so bad sending Joey to school today. He had his braces tightened yesterday afternoon and he's in so much pain. I can totally sympathize for him, I had braces just 8 years ago. It hurts and it isn't a pleasant pain that will just go away. It hurts to talk, breathe, eat, brush your teeth, etc. Poor guy. He's being such a good sport about it and he's almost halfway done with them!

My coffee is ready and I'm hoping it puts that extra perk in my step this morning.

Nothing in particular.

I don't want it to go away, or do I?

These feelings I have for you

I try to divert my attention, but just can't get myself away from it all.

Thoughts of you invade my mind and I can't break free.

Your face, your smell, your touch.

Who are you?

My knight in shining armor, my husband, a long lost soul searching for his one true love?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It's raining here in the Valley of the Sun, again. This January is definitely very different from the last. I remember wearing a tank-top and jeans to Paul & Joey's race at this time last year. It was nice out and I was already working on my sun-kissed skin. I miss the sun. I miss the warmth that it gives me and the way it warms my cheeks. Some have said to me, "You'll be regretting saying that when it's 110 degrees outside." No. I won't. I prefer that over a cold and rainy day. I love the snow, yes, when I'm snowboarding. I love the rain if it's accompanied by a good storm. I miss the sun.

I woke with several random thoughts in my head this morning. Not much different from any other day. I often dream of life and people that I have no recollection of who they are or what they mean. Sometimes it is just and idea without a face. I often wonder if it is just my mind playing tricks on me? If the person really does exist in my life, I just don't know it?

Yesterday was a good day. It was hair day. My beautiful friend Sarah (who does my hair) came over to do both mine and Tennille's hair. Tennille made us french toast for breakfast and it was delicious! It's always fun to have someone else cook for you in your kitchen. It tastes that much better. We had several good conversations over the three hour block of time.  Never did I imagine that I would find others that feel the same way I do about so many topics. From jobs to husbands to children to ghosts. It feels good and is so refreshing.  When we were on the topic of my upcoming birthday, Sarah told me something that I adore. She said, "You aren't turning 30. The last age you turn is 29 and each year after is an anniversary of 29". Therefor, this is my 1st Anniversary of 29! I like that.  Tennille went on to tell me that she thinks we should just plan something amongst ourselves for my birthday since the husband isn't doing anything. I am perfectly ok with that. Whether it's a dinner and movie or a spa day, anything to celebrate my youth will make me smile. Yes, 30 is a big deal to me.

It's not so much that I feel old, because I don't. I ride dirt bikes and am doing my darnedest to stay faster than Joey (yes, he's 10 and yes he's almost as fast as me). I love to snowboard, even though this is the 2nd winter in a row of no boarding, I wakeboard, I ride a skateboard (occasionally) and I still play Marco/Polo in the pool during the summer. I'm far from being "old". The part that I'm having a hard time swallowing is the fact that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Not sure why it bothers me and why I can't just settle on "being a mom" right now. I love this job, and I would do this forever if I knew I could. The problem is, I know I can't. If we are going to have any type of future or if Paul is ever going to retire, I'm going to have to have a "career". I just don't know what I want that career to be.

The countdown is on, 13 days. I will turn 30 and still not know what my calling is.

Enjoying my coffee. Sort of.

My 2nd job growing up was working at a bagel shop called "Willy's Bagels & Blends".  We sold bagels, smoothies, sandwiches, coffee & espresso drinks, coffee beans in bulk and other little goodies. I was 16 when I started working there and of course, started drinking coffee. It's funny to me that when I see teenagers walking around drinking coffee or sitting at Starbucks with their friends, I comment to myself that they are too young to be drinking coffee. I guess I thought I was pretty grown up when I was 16?

I had stopped drinking coffee during my pregnancy with Joey and the whole year after he was born while I breastfed him. Not sure why I started drinking it again, but I did. At that time, I didn't even know of Starbucks. Didn't know it existed and was satisfied with the Folders in my cup. Of course I did have to put a little bit of vanilla creamer in it to sweeten it up. I remember waking up and walking down the street to my friend April's house to  have her husband pour us each a cup of coffee so that we could sit and drink our warm delight while watching the boys play outside. I have always enjoyed my cup of coffee in the morning. I guess you could say it's an addiction. I have to have it. If I don't, I'll end up with a headache by noon. I feel content sitting in the sun, or on the couch just holding my warm cup and sipping my cup of joe.

Sometime after my divorce I stopped drinking caffeine all together. As I sit and try to remember exactly why or when I can't. I know that my grandparents had some influence over it, telling me that in the long run it would be bad for me and I should switch to decaf.

All of that went out the window when I started working graveyard shift as a 911 dispatcher. There was no way I was going to survive that without a little bit of caffeine. By then, of course I knew about Starbucks and was pretty much a regular. It's amazing to see how much you spend at that money pit when you look at your receipts over a months span. It's really sickening but can be compared to a smoker buying cigarettes I guess.

Since moving to Arizona in September 2008, I have definitely cut back on the Starbucks runs. Down to maybe 2-3 times a month, if not less. Occasionally I will even get a coffee at Dunkin Donuts. I have been buying the Dunkin Donuts coffee grounds for a couple years now and absolutely love it. It satisfies my taste for coffee, my caffeine withdrawals and most of the time it  is pretty inexpensive for a 1lb bag.

What prompted me to write about coffee this morning is that I am sitting here drinking my coffee, getting ready to work out and am almost gagging trying to drink whatever it is that I bought at Safeway last week. Dunkin Donuts coffee was not on sale and there was a breakfast blend made by Seattle's Best that was. It looked good and there were several bags of it missing from the shelf so I thought to myself, "it's just coffee, can't be bad, I'll try it" and proceeded to buy it. The second selling point that it had was that it is organic. My Dunkin Donuts coffee is definitely not organic, but if they did make an organic blend, I would buy it.

Today is Day #3 of trying to choke down this horrible cup of coffee. It's a pretty bad addiction when you have to have something so bad that you'll drink it even if it does taste like dirt. (and I mean that literally, it tastes like someone put dirt in my coffee pot and poured hot water through it). I continue to drink. Maybe it will grow on me? Maybe my taste buds are just getting used to it? No. It's a horrible tasting coffee and I really hope that I'm not the only one who thinks so. I can't even describe how bad it is.

I will finish this cup, work out and then be off to the grocery to buy my beloved Dunkin Donuts "Dunkin Dark" blend.  This other stuff, however, is going in the garbage.

How many candles?

I have always had a long list of "wants". I can remember my dad telling me when I was young that I "want" too much. Looking back over the years I have had a lot of "wants". Some that I have gotten and some that I haven't. They are materialistic items. Things that can be bought with the money that we work for. Why should we only save our money for when we are older? I do agree that saving is good, but sometimes you have to live your life for the moment and spoil yourself. Reward yourself.

My list isn't very long. However, it is a little expensive.  My birthday is coming up and I wanted to blog about the different items that I'd love to have. I don't necessarily believe I will get them, but that's why we call it a wish list.

For a while now I have been wanting some Chuck's. I was at the mall last week and tried them on, just so I could be sure of my size. Of course I'd love to have 3 or 4 pairs of them, but I've settled on designing my own (just 1 pair) and this is what I've come up with...

They are adorable and have all of my favorite colors on them! They even have my name on the side! Love them!

I love taking pictures. I love being in the pictures. I have thousands and thousands of pictures on my external hard drive and hope to continue adding them. Currently I have a Sony Cybershot touchscreen camera that I've been playing with for the past couple of years. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with it. If it's sunny outside it takes beautiful pictures. If we are indoors, not so much. It sucks. We have several really crappy photos that I wish looked better.

I've been begging Paul to buy a digital SLR camera for some time. The toss up is between a Canon and a Nikon. I think that Canon is going to win. I have more friends with Canon's and they have all told me that they are very user friendly. Not to mention a little bit cheaper than the Nikon. The Canon I am currently looking at is the Canon EOS Digital Rebel XSi 12.2MP and it comes with a starter kit and tripod! Score!

She's beautiful and I'm already falling in love with her. Hmmmmm, now I just have to think of a name....

For my 16th birthday my mom and dad bought me a pair of Justin/George Strait Roper boots. They were burgundy and I loved them. Unfortunately I lost them somewhere in the divorce that I like to call "fire". I lost a lot of things in that fire. My piano, boots, clothes, kitchen appliances, furniture, etc. Oh well.....Hopefully I can get them all back someday, and made with new memories.

While shopping in Scottsdale with Audrey in October, we ventured into Saba's Western Wear. They had shelves and shelves of boots. Cheap ones, expensive ones, ugly ones, totally cute ones and of course ones that I fell in love with. I have searched and searched online for the ones that I loved and can't find them. However, I have found a few pairs that I like just as much!

These boots are both the right color, height, the toe is perfect!  

What girl doesn't love Tiffany jewelry? I'm sure they exist but not in this household. My first bit of Tiffany jewelry was given to me by Paul when we were first dating. He had gone to Las Vegas with some friends for one of the Supercross races. I had to stay behind and study for tests that I had at work. When he came home he gave me a beautiful Tiffany necklace that I wear all the time. I love it.  For my 28th birthday I decided to buy myself a birthday present. I went to Tiffany's with Paul and Joey and bought myself a ring. I wear it most days on my right hand middle finger and it reminds me of the times I worked hard in my life. At the time I bought it I was working a lot. Graveyard shift, swing-shift and most of the time 60-70 hrs a week. That's a lot when you consider the work I was doing. I've forever had this necklace on my wish-list. Well, at least for the last 6 years. It's expensive and I don't ever hold my breath for it, but one of these days I'm going to get it. Whether I have to buy it for myself or it's given to me as a gift.

The watch I wear was given to me for Christmas in 1998. If you do the math you can figure out that RC was the one to give that watch to me. It's a nice watch. Bulova. But....everytime I put it on, I think of the fact that HE gave it to me and it makes me want to puke. I've been on the hunt for a watch for a while and have found a few in stores that I like. I know that I want a white one and I want it to be a little bit oversized. I have to have my bling right? I'd love a Nixon watch, but....yah, not going to spend $2,000 on a watch. These are cute though!



I love to cook. Now that I'm not working and have more time to spend in the kitchen. Slowly but surely I've been adding to my kitchen appliance inventory, but still don't have a juicer. I have a lemon tree and beautiful lemons but no juicer to make lemonade!

These are just a few of the big ticket items that I have on my wants list. There are so many other smaller items I can add to my list, such as clothing from Fox, OneIndustries, or even my beloved VS. I'm not about to go and find all of the cutsie little outfits and ensembles and post pictures of them. I'm constantly downloading music from iTunes and someday hope to get an iMac.

My iPhone is getting a little mad at me. I've had this same INCIPIO case on her since December 2008. I've been eyeing a new case for a while now at the Apple store but just can't justify buying a new one when my pink one works just fine. However, I'm still in love with it...

I can't believe how long my list has gotten. I hope that in just a few weeks I can cross of at least one or two of the items on my list! With my birthday, Valentine's day and our wedding anniversary coming up I'm sure to get some fun gifts! Even if I get NONE of these items I will still be happy just to get to spend the evening with my son and husband. (as long as they at least buy me a birthday cake, or better yet, cook one!)